Have you heard of zombieing? I hadn't – until it happened to me.
This article is part of The Brussels Times' dating series, which includes columns and interviews with experts and members of the public on all matters of the heart.
I thought I'd reached the end of writing about my dating woes. I recently deleted all my apps, in a flurry of frustration and fatigue, having had five consecutive opening messages reading, "Hi, how are you? How was your day?" (how to kill a conversation before it's even started). I was in my Bridget Jones era and feeling unusually satisfied with singlehood. But then I got an unexpected text.
For those who haven't been following my romantic escapades, earlier this year, I had two great dates with a man in Brussels; a third one was in the diary, and I'd booked us somewhere for dinner. All seemed to be going well when, suddenly, days before the date, I was met with radio silence.
Initially, I wondered if something awful had happened, perhaps a death in the family. But when I noticed he'd updated his Hinge profile and posted on social media a few days later, it became clear I had been ghosted.
After two months of messaging, the sudden silence was difficult to process, and I spent weeks wondering what I might've done wrong. But after some time, I moved on and put those feelings to bed.
You can only imagine my shock then, dear reader, when my phone lit up with his name at just past midnight on Tuesday, 5 May, exactly two months later to the day.
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost
The ghost had sent a long apology, riddled with remorse. It was kind and seemed sincere. He said there was a complicated backstory and that the longer it went on, the harder it became to reply. He hoped I'd forgive him and said he'd make it up to me, but would understand if I didn't want to reply.
It was oddly refreshing. I've been ghosted several times in the past, but no one has ever contacted me later down the line to apologise. It gave me some of that closure I'd been craving back in March. But it was also confusing, and I wasn't sure what to make of it.
Friends who had followed the story from the start were also confused. One said, "Easter's over bro. Why do they be rising from the dead?" Others questioned why he'd decided to text at midnight: "Is he an actual ghost who only comes out at witching hours?"
The next morning, still in shock that a ghost had returned from the dead, I started drafting a reply. I wanted to understand why he'd acted in this way, and also explain how it had made me feel.
But in another unexpected twist, when I returned to our chat a few hours later to send the message, there was nothing there.
I stared at my screen in disbelief. In about 12 hours, our ghost had gone from apologising profusely to disappearing all over again.
The dating app-ocalypse
What I've described above is a phenomenon known as 'zombieing' – not referring to the flesh-eating type you'd find in 'Shaun of the Dead', but rather when a ghost returns to half-heartedly rekindle a connection. It forms part of a wider set of new dating trends, including 'orbiting', 'breadcrumbing', 'benching' and 'submarining'. But what do they all mean?
Dr Janneke Schokkenbroek, Assistant Professor of Health Psychology at Erasmus University Rotterdam, whose doctoral research focused on harmful technology use in romantic relationships, defines ghosting as "ceasing all communication without explanation". A staggering 93% of individuals reported experiencing this in one of her surveys.
However, in some cases, a ghost can continue to engage on social media, such as by liking posts or stories. This is known as 'orbiting' and is "particularly challenging as there is a lot of ambivalence (explicit absence mixed with implicit presence)", Dr Schokkenbroek said, adding that 88% of people surveyed had experienced this.
Likewise, 'breadcrumbing' is another type of "discontinuous communication when someone sporadically sends a non-committal text message (breadcrumbs) to keep someone interested/tethered without exerting much effort". 'Benching' is when someone keeps you on standby, often to pursue another romantic interest, giving you attention only when they feel like it.
Credit: Unsplash
In some cases, a ghost can re-emerge after several months. This is called 'submarining' or 'zombieing'. Dr Schokkenbroek says there is very little research on this, and she therefore found no prevalence rates in scientific literature. However, she believes it to be "quite common" for ghosts to return.
"Here, too, the coping gets tough because someone keeps reappearing after longer periods of time, often around the time when you have grown to accept that you won't hear from them again."
It is unclear why zombieing occurs. However, Dr Schokkenbroek suspects it's due to boredom, another romantic connection not working out, a need for validation, an avoidant attachment style (when people crave intimacy but are often frightened by expressing vulnerability) or emotional immaturity (linked to avoidant behaviour, but characterised by less empathy).
The names may sound new, but she says many of these behaviours are age-old: wanting validation, or entertainment when bored, avoiding confrontation, keeping someone close but without committing, and a lack of empathy.
However, in the age of immediacy and social media, Dr Schokkenbroek notes that it's now much easier to pop back into someone's life. "Nowadays, [many of these phenomena] are much more prevalent and identifiable. It's quite clear when someone doesn't respond to you for weeks, whereas a couple of centuries ago, letters probably took ages to arrive."
Protect your peace
Dr Schokkenbroek says choosing whether to respond to a ghost depends on the person and the individual situation. "If they re-emerge with an apologetic attitude and a valid explanation, taking responsibility, you could consider giving them the benefit of the doubt and continuing the communication or connection. But you don't have to, of course," she said.
If someone returns unapologetically and acts as if nothing has happened, she says you can explicitly state you don't want to continue the conversation. However, engaging with them can be a "powerful boost to their ego and a signal they still have some 'hold' over you" if they're seeking validation.
"I generally do not advocate for ghosting or avoidance in communication, but in this case, it truly is also okay to not respond at all. Protect your peace," she concluded.
Don't delete the kisses
Did I protect my peace, I hear you ask? Well, I could have risen above it and not replied. But life's far too short to be the bigger person – and after all, I'm only 5'2" (158 cm). I therefore decided to respond to the ghost:
So, what's the complicated backstory?
Was replying to a deleted message mature? Probably not. Was it funny? Absolutely (at least, I thought so). I didn't expect a reply, but the next day I got a brief apology and was told complicated meant complicated.
A week passed, and I woke up to some more late-night texts asking to start over. Tinged with sadness, I said it was too late for that, but that I'd happily talk it all through over a coffee. And I haven't heard from him since.
All in all, a rather confusing and unnecessary exchange. But if you're reading this, Mr Ghost, I thank you for adding some drama and spice to what would have otherwise been a very mundane Monday night (and for inspiring another column).
Maybe I'm wasted as a journalist and should become a medium, because clearly I have a knack for summoning spirits.
If you have a story to share of dating in the city, get in touch! i.vivian@brusselstimes.com
