Le Chou’s week in review: Elon Musk Buys 9% Stake In European Commission

Le Chou’s week in review: Elon Musk Buys 9% Stake In European Commission

Le Chou is Europe’s craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for Le Chou’s round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.

*’Le Chou’ is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times.

 

Zelenskyy Thwarted By Belgian Politics

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was left enraged after dialling into five different Belgian parliaments before finding the one he actually wanted.

Zelenskyy was scheduled to speak to members of Belgium’s federal parliament but mistakenly dialled into the German-speaking community’s chamber first.

This was followed by a wild-goose chase through Belgium’s institutional lasagna as the Ukrainian president surprised lawmakers in the Wallonian, Flemish, Brussels region and French-speaking parliaments.

An increasingly enraged Zelenskyy eventually managed to beam into the federal chamber at which point he asked politicians: “What the hell is wrong with you people??”

Belgium’s senate has since demanded an apology from the war-torn leader: “It’s as if Zelenskyy doesn’t even know we exist!”

 

Viktor Orban Congratulated By Legion Of Doom

Hungary’s newly reelected prime minister has mostly been snubbed by world leaders after triumphing in elections that have been branded ‘free but not fair’. There were some notable exceptions though.

Vladimir Putin was not the only evil leader to laud Viktor Orban’s recent win, as the Dark Lord Sauron and Harry Potter nemesis Lord Voldemort both congratulated him on his landslide election win.

“It’s great to see someone who champions traditional values staying in power,” He Who Must Not Be Named told reporters.

Orban also received jubilant phone calls from that Lego brick you stepped on barefoot, that kid in school who always reminded the teacher to set homework and the SARS-CoV-2 virus.

 

Elon Musk Buys 9% Stake In European Commission

Tesla boss Elon Musk has taken a 9% interest in the European Commission, promising “big changes” to how the EU executive goes about its business.

Musk has pledged to use his newly-purchased influence to refocus all of the Commission’s efforts on policies close to his heart, including Mars colonisation and self-driving cars.

“Why are we wasting time expanding the EU into countries I’ve never heard of when we should be annexing the Moon and Mars into the European Union,” Musk told reporters.

Other plans include thousands of ‘Boring Tunnels’ underneath the streets of Brussels to help dispatch Eurocrats quickly to external meetings and replacing European Commissioners with prototype androids.


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