Le Chou is Europe’s craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for Le Chou’s round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.
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Sweden Set To Join NÅTO
Sweden confirmed this week that it wants to join NATO but insisted that it needs to be renamed ‘NÅTO’ first.
Russia’s war against Ukraine has slaughtered yet another sacred cow: Finland and Sweden’s reluctance to join the NATO military alliance. But Stockholm wants a concession first.
“We think that NATO needs to be renamed NÅTO before we join, as a show of good faith. It will help us feel more at home,” said Swedish PM Magdalena Andersson when announcing the country’s bid.
Finland also hopes that its membership will open new doors for its politicians. Father Christmas himself is in line for NATO’s top job once his homeland of Lapland is incorporated into the alliance.
“He has access to technology that helps him move faster than humanly possible and he has data on every single human on Planet Earth,” said a government source.
Sanna Marin meanwhile reassured the peaceful inhabitants of Moomin Valley that their long-cherished military neutrality will be preserved as part of the NATO membership process. “No one wants to see tanks rolling past Moominmamma’s house,” the PM insisted.
Sweden Insists On Renaming Military Alliance ‘NÅTO’ Before Joining pic.twitter.com/bXV7rXulJA
— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 17, 2022
‘Pay In Rubles But Don’t Get Caught’ EU Says
The European Commission has clarified that governments can continue to pay for Russian energy imports in rubles as part of a new ‘So long as you don’t get caught’ policy.
Governments have struggled to understand whether paying for gas and oil in rubles breaks the EU’s sanctions regime against Russia. Now, Brussels has cleared up the matter, explaining that “we can’t punish you if we don’t know about it.”
Ursula von der Leyen reportedly slammed the phone down on Italian PM Mario Draghi when he began to tell her about the Russian bank account he has just opened. “If I don’t know, I don’t have to lie about it,” the Commission president told advisors.
One EU official who suggested that governments should simply stop paying for Russian fossil fuels altogether was told to leave the office and never come back.
Meanwhile, the Commission is set to trigger its sanction procedure against every country that did not award Ukraine a maximum 12 Eurovision points last Saturday. “That lack of solidarity is disgusting and must be punished,” von der Leyen said.
As part of the Commission’s purge, Croatia – which only gave Ukraine 10 points – has been thrown out of the EU, while Albania and Serbia’s membership bids have been thrown in the bin. Germany has used its 12-point award as a pretext to stop weapon supplies to Ukraine.
“I think that we have now done enough,” Chancellor Olaf Scholz told reporters.
EU Tells Governments They Can Buy Russian Gas In Rubles, ‘So Long As You Don’t Get Caught’ pic.twitter.com/Igx9BXwYnj
— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 17, 2022
Putin Leaves Lukashenko Home Alone
Russian President Vladimir Putin left hapless minion Aleksandar Lukashenko at home alone this week in order to attend a work meeting. Chaos immediately ensued.
“Now, Sascha, what do we do if NATO calls?” Putin asked his Belarussian underling. “Hang up straight away, don’t give them any details, don’t join the transatlantic imperialist military alliance,” Lukashenko said.
Ten minutes later, Belarus was on a fast-track NATO membership procedure and Alliance chiefs had access to Russian nuclear codes and submarine positions, after Europe’s last dictator fell for a simple NATO ruse.
“They offered me a 50% discount, I’m supposed to say no to this??” Lukashenko told Putin when the Russian president returned to find his house in disarray.
Thankfully for the Kremlin, Putin stepped through the door just in time to stop his bumbling sidekick from selling the exclave of Kaliningrad to Lithuania for a handful of magic beans.
‘If NATO Call And Ask You To Join, Hang Up Immediately,’ Putin Prepares To Leave Lukashenko Home Alone For A Couple Of Hours pic.twitter.com/Fds3jcprpZ
— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 16, 2022