Le Chou’s week in review

Le Chou’s week in review

Le Chou is Europe’s craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for our round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.

*’Le Chou’ is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

 

Angela Merkel Says She Has Amnesia, But Only For 2005-2021

Germany’s former chancellor, Angela Merkel, has revealed that she is suffering from memory loss and cannot remember anything that happened between 2005 and 2021, the entire duration of her time in office.

Merkel has been quiet since she went into retirement late last year, after a general election in which her conservatives were ousted from government by a coalition of socialists, greens and liberals.

Breaking her silence this week, the former chancellor said that, according to her doctor, the bout of amnesia struck on 24 February. The last things she remembers are the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens and seeing ‘Shrek 2’ at the cinema.

“It’s all a blur so there is no point asking me any questions whatsoever about what happened after that, until February this year,” Merkel told reporters. “I definitely do not remember anybody called Vlad or going anywhere particularly cold.”

Merkel was shocked to learn that she had led Germany for well over a decade but suspiciously let on that she remembers Germany winning the football World Cup in 2014, supposedly halfway through her alleged bout of memory loss.

“Maybe I remember some things,” she admitted. “But even the stuff I do – which I don’t – isn’t my fault.”

 

Estonia’s Prime Minister Takes Charge Of UK

Estonian Prime Minister Kaja Kallas started a new job as head of the UK government this week, as the popular leader was parachuted in to Westminster to fix what is now described in diplomatic circles as an “unholy, raging bin fire”.

Kallas, a former MEP whose international popularity has rocketed thanks to her hardline stance on Vladimir Putin’s bloody regime, quit her post as Estonia’s PM on Monday after receiving the “admittedly crazy offer” during a trip to London.

Boris Johnson has not been seen since narrowly surviving a no-confidence vote by his own party but is reportedly hiding out in a Downing Street cupboard until the mess “sorts itself out”.

“Well we thought that it was time to try an Estonian instead of an Etonian,” one Westminster insider told Le Chou.

Kallas has been given a six month-long contract as PM and hopes that a domestic political mini-crisis at home will be resolved in her absence. What started as just a rumour was later confirmed by Kallas herself on twitter.

 

 

‘We Must Not Humiliate Global Warming,’ Insists Macron

French President Emmanuel Macron has urged the international community not to humiliate global warming, insisting that “dialogue with climate change must be kept open.”

Fresh from lecturing Europeans on the importance of maintaining communication channels with Russian despot Vladimir Putin, Macron has turned his gaze to climate policy and how best to combat global warming.

“What is really important right now is not to humiliate global warming. Oui, climate change has made a historic and fundamental error but it needs a way out of its mistake. Don’t we all deserve second chances?” France’s head of state told reporters.

MEPs, meanwhile, accidentally voted to destroy the climate completely in a botched voting procedure this week. Parliament chiefs admitted the error but said it was too late to do anything about it now.

“If the conservatives had listened to us, then we could have voted to just destroy half the climate instead,” the head of Macron’s liberals said after the vote.

 


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