Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou is Europe's craziest source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

Germany Steps Up Arms Shipments

Germany has started to make good on its pledge to help Ukraine’s armed forces fight off Russia’s invasion. However, the defending soldiers still report that the Bundesrepublik’s arms shipments do not live up to expectations.

“When we opened the crate, there weren’t any guns, just a load of plastic arms,” one army commander reported, in what is being described by German government sources as “an unfortunate translation mixup”.

Olaf Scholz has also personally written an ‘I.O.U’ note to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, which the chancellor insists is a cast-iron legal guarantee, “but please don’t call it in just yet.”

Zelenskyy was also reportedly furious to receive a hand-written thank you card from Scholz in the mail this week. “I said that ‘Germany should send tanks’ not ‘thanks’,” the president told aides.

Spain’s Handsome PM Is A Fire Hazard

Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez has been declared a fire hazard by the country’s emergency services, due to his scorching good looks. He has been assigned his own team of firefighters that now travel with him everywhere. “El presidente is an exceptionally good looking man, there is no doubt about that. But as we move into the fire season, we must take every precaution to make sure his looks do not become fatal to others,” Spain’s chief firefighter told reporters. Sanchez’s undeniable allure was on full display in Brussels this week, as the dishy PM turned up for an EU summit. Commission boss Ursula von der Leyen did her best to stay focused but ultimately failed, just like everybody else. To commemorate his handsomeness, the European Parliament has commissioned a portrait of Sanchez, which the Spanish leader was all too happy to unveil during a ceremony, where he also gave a speech: “What can I say? You’re all very welcome.”

Extinction Rebellion’s EU Protest Goes Awry

Climate demo group Extinction Rebellion hoped that a protest in the heart of the EU bubble would shake up policymakers and shift focus back onto green issues. But the organisers should have done their homework beforehand. Early Monday morning, Extinction Rebellion campaigners glued themselves to the front door of the European Commission, in a bid to disrupt the work day and draw attention to the issues they are championing. However, XR forgot that Commission officials do not turn up for work much before midday, so by the time the first fonctionnaires started to appear for duty, much of the fight had left the bored protestors. “We’re planning to do this again in early August. That should really prove a point!” XR’s chief organiser told Le Chou, again forgetting that the Commission will be in cryo-stasis for most of the summer holidays.

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