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The Brussels Times Magazine

Le Chou's week in review

Friday, 22 July 2022
By  Le Chou
Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

‘No Jets For Turkey’ Unless Erdogan Admits Feta Cheese Is Greek

Turkey’s bid to buy new F-16 warplanes hit a snag this week as US lawmakers insisted that Ankara will only get its hands on the jets if its military stops flying over Greek airspace and, most crucially, acknowledges that feta cheese is Greek.

NATO-member Turkey wants to increase its aerial firepower and although the US government loves a hefty arms contract, Ankara’s policies towards Greece, Russia and Syria have complicated matters.

That is why any deal will insist that Turkish jets need to stop violating Greek airspace and the government must formally recognise feta cheese as being Greek and Greek only.

Emboldened by the EU court’s recent ruling that Denmark cannot make its own salty cheese and call it feta, Greek diplomats were able to lobby their American counterparts to include a feta clause in the agreement.

“We’re happy to help out our Greek allies on this important issue,” a state department spokesperson told reporters. However, the US pushed back against attempts to write a Yoghurt Protocol and Coffee Doctrine into the deal.

“That would’ve been like a red flag to a bull, no way Erdogan would have gone for it. He would’ve wanted nuke-armed F35s for that price,” a US diplomat revealed.

EU Suggests Fitting Fire Planes With Air-To-Air Missiles

Fire-fighting planes should be fitted with advanced weapons systems, according to a new EU plan, which aims to tackle both climate change and Vladimir Putin in one fell-swoop.

As ferocious wildfires sweep across Europe amid record temperatures, Brussels has leapt into action, pledging to buy more fire-fighting planes that can dump thousands of gallons of water on out-of-control blazes.

But that is not the limit of the EU’s ambition, as the new aircraft order reportedly includes air-to-air missiles and gatling guns. “We don’t want these planes just to fight fires,” one EU source told Le Chou.

The strategy under discussion envisages fire-fighting missions in southern Europe in the morning, followed by bombing raids on Russian military positions in the afternoon. Ukrainian firefighters are already undergoing advanced training that includes rescuing cats from trees.

“This EU administration is all about efficiency. There is no reason why taxpayers should feel short-changed here, as we are solving two problems with one solution,” a spokesperson insisted.

When asked whether it would be more beneficial to climate action to scrap fossil fuels altogether, one EU official said that was a “ridiculous” idea.

Albania’s PM Begins To Regret EU Membership Progress

Albanian PM Edi Rama is starting to regret the thaw in his country’s EU membership progress, after his phone blew up with missed calls from Charles Michel and his inbox was inundated with requests for meetings with Brussels officials.

North Macedonia and Albania can now begin membership talks after the former’s parliament agreed on a new plan that should keep Bulgaria happy. That development prompted the usual congratulatory tweets and weird photo opps.

But Albanian PM Edi Rama is already regretting that progress after Charles Michel called him eleven times in just a couple of hours and EU officials sent hundreds of meeting requests to his private email address.

“It’s all a bit much really. Why would I attend a meeting about improving high-speed rail management systems? We don’t have any high-speed trains,” a frazzled Rama told aides earlier this week.

“And what the hell is comitology?? Ah excuse me I have a call… Michel, again??” the prime minister said before throwing his smartphone into the nearest bin.

Extra! Extra!

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