Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

Viktor Orban Writes ‘I’m An Idiot’ On Back Of Loyal Voter

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban’s capture of his country’s democratic institutions is now so complete that he can directly insult and ridicule his voter base without fear of reprisals at the ballot box.

Orban was pictured this week signing autographs and mingling with his supporters. When one loyal voter asked the PM to sign his shirt, he wrote “I’m an idiot” on the back and told him to take a shower.

Hungary’s leader, whose reign seemingly predates that of the invention of democracy by the Ancient Greeks, was also heard telling his well-wishers to “suck it” amid personal attacks against specific members of the crowd.

Central European analysts believe that Orban is now so confident about his grasp on power that he can say whatever he wants without running the risk of being voted out of office at the next election. "He could stand in the middle of Andrassy Avenue and shoot somebody, and he wouldn't lose any voters," one expert quipped.

However, the PM did feel the need to defend himself during a visit to Austria, insisting that his political rhetoric is not racist because “I’ve got lots of black friends.” A flustered Orban then blurted out that he would have voted for Obama if he were American.

Pope Francis Weighs In On Pedro Sanchez vs Justin Trudeau Debate

Pope Francis has issued a shock Papal Bull putting to rest the eternal debate over whether Canada or Spain’s prime minister is the more handsome man. God’s spokesman on Earth makes it clear that Pedro Sanchez is the chosen one.

During an historic visit to Canada to apologise for past abuses of indigenous children at the hands of Catholic priests, Francis unveiled his official text, in which he outlines that Justin Trudeau is “not even in the same league” as Spain’s notoriously dishy Pedro Sanchez.

“Trudeau is a good looking man but cannot compare to the angelic presence of His Excellency Pedro Sanchez. Trudeau’s recent botched haircut has only revealed how inferior he is,” Francis writes in the Papal Bull. The Pope also decrees that "Sanchez doesn't need gimmicks like colourful socks to catch the eye."

Canada’s government was quick to react, denouncing the Pontiff’s edict and also insisting his apology to the country’s indigenous peoples did not go nearly far enough. A Vatican spokesperson refused to talk to Le Chou about this developing news story.

Boris Johnson Uses Holy Relic To Summon Churchill’s Spirit

UK Prime Minister(?) Boris Johnson has attempted to summon the spirit of Winston Churchill as part of a controversial Dark Arts ritual forbidden under British law.

Johnson was pictured holding aloft a small bust of the wartime leader, which is reportedly made out of a metal hitherto unknown to human scientists, muttering phrases in badly-conjugated Latin.

A Downing Street spokesperson insisted that Johnson was trying to bring Churchill back from beyond the grave in order to help Ukraine defend itself and then defeat Russia’s invading armies. “Winston’s advice would be invaluable at this time.”

However, Whitehall insiders have told Le Chou that Johnson’s necromancy is actually meant to bring Churchill back so that he can tell everyone that the current PM should keep his job, in a last ditch attempt to hang onto power.

“It’s pretty desperate stuff. Maybe it would be better if we get Churchill’s ghost to be PM. It’s more qualified than all the other candidates,” a government source snarked.

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