Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

Scholz Tries Turning Germany ‘Off And Then On Again’

German Chancellor Olaf Scholz resorted to desperate measures this week in a bid to try and solve his country’s various economic and political woes, unplugging the entire nation, letting it reset for sixty seconds and then plugging it back in again.

Exasperated after trying literally three or four different policies, Scholz sought this week to try and reboot Germany to help drag the country out of a largely self-inflicted malaise.

“IT support suggested unplugging the Bundesrepublik, blowing on the connector and then plugging it back in again,” the chancellor told reporters. “It works for VHS tapes so why not? There’s not much else left for us to do to be honest.”

Despite Scholz’s efforts, Germany’s amber warning light was still blinking even after the reset. Analysts suggested trying it again but leaving the country unplugged for just a little longer in order to trick it into doing a full factory reboot.

The chancellor is now awaiting further advice from tech support. “Once they receive my fax and reply, then we’ll have some answers,” Scholz revealed.

Greek PM Swears He Didn’t Read Your Diary On Purpose

Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis insisted earlier this week that he was not reading your diary and that it just happened to fall open while he was looking at something next to it.

The Greek government was rocked this week by accusations of illegal surveillance and wiretaps, allegedly used against opposition politicians. A full investigation is likely to get underway to find out exactly what happened.

Mitsotakis has denied knowledge about the reported surveillance and insists that he would never breach anybody’s right to privacy, but that you should really get that nasty rash looked at by a doctor.

“I know it looks like I was reading your diary but I wasn’t. It fell on the floor and opened to that page about you having a crush on your boss. I swear I didn’t read anything about him or that dream you had yesterday,” he told Greeks in a public address.

The PM also said that even if he had known about the spying operation – which he definitely did not – then it was probably Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erodgan who tricked him into ordering it. "This is just the kind of dirty trick the Turks would play!"

Amnesty International Blames Ukraine For Everything

Human rights outfit and laughing-stock organisation Amnesty International has published a new report in which it blames Ukraine’s soldiers for infringing the rights of Russian tanks and making Belarusian president Lukashenko cry.

Amnesty’s report has provoked ridicule by basically everyone, after it condemned Ukraine’s army for operating near civilian targets, completely forgetting the fact that Russia is the one attacking those very civilians.

The report also denounced Ukraine for denying countless Russian tanks the right to exist and for building its nuclear power plant in “such an easy to invade location”. “It is shameful that Ukraine has made Lukashenko cry as well,” the report concludes.

Pink Floyd founder and total knobhead Roger Waters – who said this week that Taiwan belongs to China – is mulling an experimental collaboration with Amnesty for his next musical project. The album will reportedly be totally fact free and completely laughable.

Extra! Extra!

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