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Silvio Berlusconi Portrait Appears Younger Every Day
An oil painting of Silvio Berlusconi reportedly looks younger with each passing day, according to sources familiar with the matter. Meanwhile, Italy’s former prime minister continues his transformation into a piece of aged leather luggage.
In a dark creepy attic in one of Berlusconi’s many mansions on the outside of Milan, an oil painting of unknown origins is propped up on a creaky armchair and partly hidden by a dusty curtain.
The piercing cold eyes of Italy's fifth richest man plus a much more natural looking hairline and skin texture peer through a gap in the drapes, offering a glimpse of what Berlusconi looked like a couple of half centuries ago.
However, according to sources that wish to remain anonymous – as well as out of direct sunshine and away from symbols of Christianity – the portrait becomes more youthful every day. Explanations range from ‘what the hell’ to ‘it must be dark magic’.
OG Berlusconi, meanwhile, looks less lifelike with every passing day, as he takes on the appearance of vintage leather furniture or gnarled varnished wood. A link between the possibly enchanted painting and the Forza Italia leader is quickly being established.
The former PM – who hopes to play kingmaker for the far-right in September elections – has tried to slow the passage of time in recent weeks, completing various regeneration rituals that sources say involve the ritual slaughter of farmyard animals.
“I hope that this can give me just a little more time to serve my fellow Italians,” Berlusconi told Le Chou. “Even if it’s just another 40 or 50 years, I’ll be grateful.”
Elon Musk Changes Mind About Buying Man Utd: ‘Too Many Useless Bots’
Tesla billionaire Elon Musk said this week that he would buy football club Manchester United, before immediately pulling out of the sale, insisting that the team is full of bots that “don’t do anything”.
The world’s richest man – who has already rethought his $44bn offer to buy Twitter – dashed Man Utd fan hopes of a revival of sporting fortunes when he torpedoed his offer to buy the club just 45 seconds after showing his hand.
“They’re my favourite team but when I was made aware of how many useless bots there are, I couldn’t in good conscience go through with the purchase,” Musk told a forum of his most dedicated fan boys.
Enthusiastic supporters had already started dreaming about the club’s Old Trafford stadium being relocated to Mars and the team being rebranded as the ‘Red Planet Devils’. But those plans are now indefinitely on hold.
Musk’s change of heart marks another low in Charles Michel’s start to his football manager career at Utd, as the EU Council chief’s side-gig goes from bad to worse. One source said “I don’t even know how he got this job. He’s not qualified and no one here had ever heard of him.” Man Utd insiders have also said the same.
Serbia’s President Is Bad At Spying
Serbian President Aleksandar Vučić is the latest European leader to have shown a complete lack of talent for espionage, as his attempt to plant a bug at NATO’s Brussels HQ was foiled immediately.
The four-metre-tall Balkan president was ostensibly in the Belgian capital to negotiate with Kosovar leaders about de-escalating tensions in the region. However, Vučić’s true mission was to plant a listening device at NATO headquarters.
During a joint press conference with the head of the military alliance, Serbia’s president appeared sweatier and shiftier than usual, prompting NATO staffers to suspect that something was up.
Vučić – nicknamed ‘guyscraper’ and ‘the 40-foot virgin’ by close friends – was then seen clutching a plastic device in one of his oversized hands. NATO officials quickly asked the president what he was up to.
“Mr. President, please show us what you are holding,” one security official was heard to ask. “Is that a baby monitor…?” another staffer inquired. It was then revealed that Serbia’s head of state was attempting to breach NATO with a €15 walkie-talkie.
To avoid a diplomatic incident at the very worst occasion, Alliance chiefs decided to forget the incident and asked Vučić not to do it again and also what the weather is like up there.