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Macron Turns To Turtlenecks
Emmanuel Macron urged French citizens to stay away from their thermostats this winter and to wear turtlenecks to keep warm instead, in what is proving to be one of the president’s most popular energy policies.
Macron donned one of his now-trademark Bond villain roll-necks for a public address earlier this week in which he asked his fellow countrymen to do their bit for the energy crisis by thinking more carefully about what they wear.
“I ask all French men, women and children to wear turtlenecks at least four days a week. This is the only geopolitically viable way to beat Putin,” the president said.
Macron’s address sent cashmere markets soaring, as traders responded to his turtleneck call. Tailor unions immediately called on the French government to introduce controls to prevent price spikes.
At a European Council summit on Friday, Macron urged his German and Dutch colleagues to fund emergency cashmere purchasing to prop up his policies. “Europe needs it. What? We’re supposed to wear cotton? Unthinkable.”
Italy’s Far-Right Calls In An Exorcist
Italy’s far-right coalition called in an exorcist to banish an “evil spirit” that had taken control of Giorgia Meloni, after the spectre of Mario Draghi possessed the prime minister-elect.
Matteo Salvini and Silvio Berlusconi first suspected something was up on Monday, when Meloni started politely thanking world leaders for their well-wishes. They knew that dark forces were at work when she publicly praised EU chief Ursula von der Leyen.
“We called in professional help immediately. Thankfully, Berlusconi has experience with exorcism so the priest arrived within the hour,” Salvini told reporters. “He sensed that there was something rotten within Meloni straightaway.”
According to Father Pietro Bardolino, the attending exorcist, the Fratelli d’Italia leader was “clearly possessed by the essence of Mario Draghi”. Meloni was also heard uttering “whatever it takes” while her head spun around 360 degrees.
Eventually, the current prime minister’s control was broken after the priest screamed “Peppa Pig’s friends are gay” and “Velma from Scooby Doo is a lesbian”, enraging Meloni enough to banish Draghi’s consciousness.
Erdogan Plays NATO Blame Game
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tried to convince Sanna Marin that he had nothing to do with blocking her country’s NATO bid, after immediately falling in love with Finland’s prime minister.
At a meeting of European leaders this week, Erdogan came face to face with Marin after months of threats to block Finland and Sweden’s NATO bid. The Turkish leader was immediately smitten with the prime minister.
“Hi, nice to meet me. YOU! Nice to meet you. My name is Tecep Rerdogan,” said Turkey’s president, stumbling over his words and sweating profusely as nerves took over. He then proceeded to lie about his NATO threats.
“It wasn’t me! It was Vučić. He blocked your membership, I would of course approve it immediately,” Erdogan insisted, after spotting Serbia’s lanky president out of the corner of his eye.
Serbia is of course not even in NATO but Erdogan refused to come clean about his deception, labelling Vučić a “gormless failed basketball player” and “the leaning tower of loser”.