Le Chou News: Hunt For NATO's Next Chief Begins

Le Chou News: Hunt For NATO's Next Chief Begins

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

Hunt For Next NATO Sec-Gen Begins

NATO will need a new boss soon and because the military alliance has more important matters on its plate, it has asked Le Chou to help pick its new sec-gen. The hunt began in earnest last week.

Thirty-two candidates declared an interest in the NATO top job but only one can be crowned the winner of Le Chou’s next top sec-gen 2023 contest. After a week of group stages, the knockout rounds begin this week.

Some massive names have fallen by the wayside. In group A, popular AI bot ChatGPT emerged victorious ahead of Larry the cat, the British government’s anti-rodent minister and pre-tournament favourite.

Baby Yoda, who hoped that the airing of season 3 of The Mandalorian would carry him through to the knockout stages, finished in third, while the smouldering remains of gas pipeline Nord Stream 2 struggled in last place.

“I wish the qualifiers all the best. I at least had a blast during the campaign,’ Nord Stream told reporters. The pipeline was later disqualified from the competition after organisers realised that it is quite obviously a Russian asset.

Group B saw a Nokia 3310 and Pedro Pascal qualify at the expense of an EU-branded teddy bear and Commission President Ursula von der Leyen. Both qualifiers are tipped to go far in the tournament.

“The president actually didn’t want the job so this sham vote means nothing and it definitely didn’t hurt her feelings,” a spokesperson for von der Leyen told Le Chou after the final votes were tallied.

Pineapple pizza was the shock winner of group C, beating out an AI-generated Pope Francis. Former Danish PM Birgitte Nyborg failed to mount a serious challenge, while insufferable French philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy finished last as expected.

“Obviously this shows that pineapple pizza was successfully able to get the anti-NATO crowd to go out and vote. But expect Italians everywhere to make sure it goes no further in the competition,” said one political analyst.

Estonian PM Kaja Kallas dominated group D, while Moominpappa – Finland’s official candidate – won a hard-fought contest against Ukrainian hero dog Patron and Dunder Mifflin regional manager Michael Scott.

It was bad news for the Suez Canal and muggles as the Ever Given cargo ship and Lord Voldemort easily saw off Angela Merkel and Salt Bae in group E. Group F saw a Unesco-certified baguette and Emmanuel Macron in disguise qualify first and second.

Group G was touted as the ‘battle of the villains’ as Walter White, Miranda Priestly, Dolores Umbridge and Logan Roy went head to head. NATO interns will be quaking in their boots after Priestly held off Umbridge and Roy to take second place behind meth lord White.

And in group H, European Council chief Charles Michel suffered a devastating loss to a bag of potatoes, two racoons stuffed into a trenchcoat and a toilet. Two racoons are now among the favourites for the overall prize.

Be sure to check out Le Chou for the knockout round all this week. Polls open soon!

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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

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