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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Charles Michel Replaced By Muppet
EU Council chief Charles Michel has been replaced by a goofy muppet, in a bid by officials to increase productivity and phase out embarrassing gaffes. Staffers have reported a marked increase after just two days.
Michel’s team were forced to take action early last week when the former Belgian prime minister arrived in the US state of Georgia rather than the South Caucasus country to show his support for pro-EU protests.
“We had to do something and do it fast,” one Council advisor told Le Chou. “Replacing the president with a muppet that kind of looks and sounds like him seemed like the most simple and cost-effective option.”
‘Charlie Muppet’, as the new president-proxy is affectionately known, has reportedly taken to the job like a duck to water. Team morale has improved and visiting dignitaries have been impressed by the puppet’s diplomacy and professionalism.
Council sources refused to disclose where the real Michel is being kept. However, there are unverified rumours that he has been sent to the supermarket to buy tartan paint and elbow grease to keep him occupied for the next couple of weeks.
European Commission officials are now waiting patiently to see how the muppet trial pans out, as EU elections next year could be complemented by a 'Spitzenmuppet' contest to choose the institution's next president.
Sunak Pays Macron For All Of France’s Small Boats
British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak struck a deal with French President Emmanuel Macron last week to purchase every small boat along France’s northern coastline, as part of what analysts are calling a “moronic” plan to halt illegal migration.
Sunak, who arrived in Paris via the “extremely legal” migration route known as Eurostar Business Class, was greeted at the presidential palace by a toothy-grinned Macron for talks about Brexit and migration.
Fresh from announcing a new immigration bill that has been widely denounced as “fascist bollocks”, Sunak was hoping to get some much needed help from Macron, who he privately refers to as “mon bro from another mere”.
He was not to be disappointed, as the French president quickly agreed to sell Sunak all of France’s small boats — which the UK government blames for the migration and energy crises, England’s World Cup loss and Covid-19 — for €500m.
The British prime minister then hopped back on a Eurostar and was met at central London’s St Pancras train station by a fully-fuelled private jet for the onward trip to 10 Downing Street.
NATO Chief Worries He’ll Never Leave Sweden
NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg voiced private fears this week that he will never leave Sweden, as the Nordic nation’s stalled bid to join the military alliance looks set to condemn him to endless press conferences.
Stoltenberg cut a forlorn figure last week at his 76th press conference with Sweden’s prime minister, as the Norwegian NATO boss prepared to once again insist that the country should be granted membership of the alliance immediately.
Hungary and Turkey are both obstructing Sweden and Finland’s NATO bids, teasing from time to time that an agreement might be forthcoming, only to dash Stoltenberg’s hopes into so many pieces.
“I get the feeling I might never leave here,” Stoltenberg told one advisor, adding “tell my wife and children that I love them”. The NATO chief has reportedly bought a flat in Stockholm and even chosen a plot at a local graveyard just in case.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
