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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Orban’s Orange Pizza-Gate Interests ICC Judges
Viktor Orban stoked controversy last week after photographers caught Hungary’s prime minister eating a pizza topped with orange slices. Top judges at the International Criminal Court in the Hague are now looking into the case.
Never one to shy away from scandal, Orban proudly showed off the culinary monstrosity to local journalists, claiming that it is the creation of a Budapest restaurant that wanted to honour his ruling Fidesz party.
But top political analysts are now wondering whether Hungary’s PM has pushed the international community too far this time, as top judges in The Hague announced that they would be looking into the case.
“Such horrendous crimes cannot go unpunished, we will now be assessing how Mr Orban’s actions have specifically violated international laws,” the court said in a short statement late last week.
Orban’s ill-judged foray into hybrid pizza constructs has already driven a wedge between him and erstwhile far-right ally Giorgia Meloni, Italy’s head of government, who took to Facebook to protest the Hungarian’s actions.
The EU too, perhaps sniffing Magyar blood in the water, has suspended another tranche of funding until the ICC investigation is wrapped up. “We will wait until that inquest announces its results before authorising more payments,” the European Commission revealed.
Top Bounty Hunters Assemble As Putin Arrest Warrant Is Issued
Russian despot Vladimir Putin is now a wanted man and has attracted the attention of some of the world’s top bounty hunters, who want to collect the reward offered for his capture.
After the International Criminal Court took the unexpected decision to issue an arrest warrant for Russia’s president, grizzled mercenaries and intergalactic hunters have assembled in the Hague ahead of tracking down their quarry.
Notable ‘fugitive recovery agents’ to have taken on the job include Boba Fett, US reality TV show star Duane “Dog” Chapman, Rick Deckard and Puss in Boots.
“Putin will have to pray for mercy,” the shod feline told Le Chou in an exclusive interview before boarding a flight to Moscow, while replicant-hunter Deckard said he would operate under the assumption that Russia’s president is an android.
Tensions were running high in the Dutch city though as the normally solitary operatives jostled to get first dibs on the planet’s most wanted man. “That’s my bounty,” Boba Fett told Dog the Bounty Hunter before jet packing towards the airport.
Disgraced former US president Donald Trump, meanwhile, has told the FBI to arrest him after the prospect of sharing a jail cell with Putin became slightly more likely with the issue of a warrant. Trump, a confirmed Putin admirer, told close allies that it would be "a huge pleasure" to bunk with Russia's head of state.
Finland’s Prime Minister Made Queen Of ‘Swedeland’
Finland and Sweden have unexpectedly merged into one country under the umbrella name of ‘Swedeland’ in an outlandish bid to get both nations into NATO and outflank Hungary and Turkey’s obstructionist policies.
Ankara and Budapest have now admitted that they will vote to ratify Finland’s NATO membership bid but remain opposed to Sweden’s entry until certain vague legal concessions are made by Stockholm.
Tired of being made to jump through hoops that the military alliance’s other members did not choose to impose, Sweden has come up with a genius plan to allow itself to be annexed by Finland so that it can join NATO by default.
“I think that this is a very eloquent solution to a problem that should never have existed but it is what it is,” Sweden’s prime minister told reporters before bending the knee in tribute to Finnish counterpart and now queen of Swedeland, Sanna Marin.
Sweden’s population was not consulted on the issue as the government says that the annexation is just a temporary measure. However, Queen Marin was later overheard to say that “we will see about that”.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
