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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Le Chou has gained exclusive access to European Council President Charles Michel’s personal diary. Below are extracts from his final week in office.
MONDAY
Woke up at 11:30 because I thought it was Sunday. This keeps happening. People at work don’t seem to be bothered by it, in fact many say that Monday mornings are their favourite part of the week.
Got to the European Council at 12:30, hit the canteen for lunch of tuna peaches, fries and a glass of warm milk. Sat by myself as always. I wish people were not so intimidated by me but that is the cruel burden of high political office.
At 3pm I start work. I got lost on my way from lunch to my office, this tends to happen most days. My assistant printed off directions for me but I lost them and I’m too embarrassed to mention it.
Until 5pm I shop online for new chairs and update my LinkedIn profile. The phone doesn’t ring much these days so I have plenty of time to focus on me. Back home by 7pm.
TUESDAY
My driver took me to the airport for a quick diplomatic trip to Zimbabwe. It is important to foster ties between Europe and our friends in South America.
After a long flight and plenty of sleep we disembarked. I accidentally asked the president of the country to handle my luggage and then got chased down the main street of the capital by an angry mob. A simple diplomatic misunderstanding I assure you.
Back on the plane and back to Brussels, with Europe’s friends and partners reassured of their warm place in our hearts.
WEDNESDAY
I caught Viktor Orban using my office to make calls to world leaders about withdrawing support for Ukraine. He told me that it was a simple misunderstanding and that it wouldn’t happen again. I thought that it was very noble of him to admit to his mistake. There are no hard feelings between us and I hope that Hungary’s presidency of the EU is a huge success.
THURSDAY
Delighted that my good friend and close colleague Ursula von der Leyen, who I have never disagreed or publicly warred with, was reelected as Commission president. I tried to call her to congratulate her but I only received an automated message saying that my number has been blocked. It must have been a technical glitch.
It is also my last day in the office. I brought homemade cakes and a bottle of Belgian wine to share with my loyal staff. Unfortunately, they had all taken annual leave today. They must have thought that my last day was next week. It’s a disappointment but such is life.
As I stare at my empty office – I have had all the chairs shipped and stored – I look back fondly on the last five years. We achieved a lot together. I hope that this diary can serve as the basis of a thrilling memoir once my political life is complete.
FRIDAY
Today I started my new job as senior ambassador at Microsoft. It wasn’t a great start, as I spilled my coffee in the main server room. Hopefully nobody noticed.
Extra! Extra!
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
