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European Union government leaders will participate in a mysterious ritual in the Belgian countryside tomorrow, in a desperate attempt to banish the continent’s industrial woes.
European countries have tried everything to boost their competitiveness and compete with the likes of China and the United States. Lawmakers have complained, given speeches in their respective parliaments and even written scalding opinion pieces, all to no avail.
Now, Le Chou can exclusively reveal that heads of state and government will meet tomorrow in the Belgian province of Limburg at a mysterious 16th century castle, where occult rituals and strange rites will be carried out.
The objective is to solve Europe’s competition problem, not by making difficult decisions or planning more than five years in advance, but by putting faith in dark magic.
Former European Central Bank boss Mario Draghi, who in 2024 authored a report on competitiveness, will present a new tome that, instead of being based on economic statistics, will incorporate elements of sorcery, witchcraft and even necromancy.
Draghi will reportedly sacrifice his fellow Italian Enrico Letta to the Dark Lord Oukranos during an arcane ceremony, which requires a litre of goat blood, 17 orphaned calves and an ostrich feather.
According to ancient tablets first discovered by EU founding father Robert Schuman, this should open a portal to another plane of existence, which Brussels can then use to supply industries with cheap electricity.
Letta has actually willingly volunteered to be the necessary blood offering, telling reporters that “I would gladly die for Europe. I also think that this is now the only feasible way of getting more European integration.”
When asked whether resorting to dark magic is a good look for Europe, a Commission spokesperson told Le Chou that the EU treaties do not forbid it and that “China has its state subsidies, the US has Trump tariffs, Europe has wizardry.”
Top magic scholars have already warned Brussels that Draghi and his colleagues risk meddling with powers that they do not truly understand, and that there may be grave consequences.
EU officials have already reported that a chilling cold wind has mysteriously started blowing through the corridors of the Berlaymont building and that in several rooms in the European Parliament, the walls have begun to weep blood.
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
