In Belgium, dating someone who lives 40 minutes away is apparently considered a long-distance relationship. I discovered this after moving to Antwerp and trying to date men in Brussels.
This article is part of The Brussels Times' dating series, which includes columns and interviews with experts and members of the public on all matters of the heart.
Two cities connected by a direct train that runs roughly every 15 minutes. Strangely, this seems to be a significant obstacle to romance in this country.
This confused me at first. As a 14-year-old growing up in an ugly Soviet block building on the outskirts of Budapest, I used to commute 90 minutes to school every day. For Brussels boys, however, a little over half an hour on a train seems like a heroic sacrifice.
Still, despite the logistical challenges of Belgian romance, I managed to collect a number of memorable experiences in the local dating field.
Here are some of the men I dated and ultimately rejected. Good news, ladies, they're still on the market.
- A gentleman, who left me to walk home alone in the pouring rain while he drove off in his warm car. He did text the next day asking to see me again.
- A prince charming, who invited me to his place for "drinks" on our second date. When I didn't want to have sex, he dumped me the next day because I had "made things weird".
- A knight on a white horse, who expected me to organise the entire date: find the place, book the table, basically send him a full itinerary. When I cancelled, he responded with passive-aggressive comments.
- A true romantic, whose idea of a second date was: "Why don't you cook me a meal?" right after I told him I was exhausted from work.
- A modern Romeo, who expected me to come to Brussels for our first date, but went completely silent for days before the date, without setting an exact time and location. Three days later, he suddenly resurfaced, texting me at 14:00 asking if we were meeting at 15:00.
- Yet another sensitive soul, who, after telling him about a very devastating thing that happened to me, said: "We should take your mind off of it."
I'm still one of the lucky ones, though. I heard so many devastating stories from other women about how men they dated made them feel used and unsafe.
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And there are some stories that could easily be a scene of a tragicomedy, like this incident that happened to my friend:
She went on a date with a man, with dinner and a movie. He insisted on going to a cinema far away from the city centre, in a fairly abandoned neighbourhood. Later, she found out the reason: free parking. He didn't want to pay for parking in the many cinemas of the city.
During dinner, he ate most of the food while my friend barely touched hers, yet he still insisted they split the bill equally. Then at the cinema, he complained when she took a few pieces of his popcorn. After the movie, he left her alone in the parking lot at 23:00 in that not-so-safe neighbourhood, without even offering her a ride home.
Credit: Cinema Nova
I left Hungary in 2019 with great expectations of a brave new Western European world where everyone is supposedly "more civilised", and equality between men and women truly exists.
On the dating scene, however, equality often seems to appear only when it's convenient for the men. Like expecting us to travel to their city without ever offering to do the same. (As we know, crossing the Brussels–Antwerp border requires a level of commitment usually associated with polar expeditions.)
And chivalry really does seem dead. Although honestly, things like offering someone a ride home after 23:00, or when it’s pouring with rain, feel less like chivalry and more like basic human decency – something I would offer anyone, even if I weren’t romantically interested in them.
So now we're expected to make the first move and abandon any dream of being treated like a princess on a date.
But! We do get to pay for our own drinks so that we can feel like strong, independent women. Truly, the dream Susan B. Anthony fought for.
The way men treat women sometimes genuinely baffles me. If I've learned anything about the meaning of life, after two years of therapy, living in three different countries, and reading about four hundred books (at least according to my Goodreads), it's that human connection, real and deep connection, is everything.
Why some people, especially men, seem completely uninterested in it is something I will never understand.
Antwerp's Central Station. Credit: Woodmonkey / Visit Antwerp
So after all these experiences, what should I do as an expat woman trying to find love in this strange little country where apparently dating someone 40 minutes away is widely considered an extreme sport?
Should I keep swiping and face the pain of the occasional rejection, the ghosting, and the endless monologues about padel and Belgian beer? Or should I delete the apps, close myself off, and accept that my love life will consist of hanging out with my cat and watching Pedro Pascal movies on repeat?
One thing I know about myself is that I like men. A lot. Yes, they can be idiots. But they can also be cute, funny, smart, and occasionally even kind.
And I fully understand the women who decide to stop dating after enough disappointment. But personally, I'd rather keep putting myself out there and stay open to new experiences.
Because somewhere out there might be a man who is willing to do the unthinkable for love: get on a train for 40 minutes.
