Le Chou's week in review: Macron's affair pays off

Le Chou's week in review: Macron's affair pays off

Le Chou is Europe's craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for Le Chou's round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

Macron’s Affair Helps French Prez Win First Round Vote

Emmanuel Macron triumphed in the first round of France’s presidential election after deploying the time-tested Gallic tactic of admitting to an extra-marital affair to get a boost in the polls.

Macron was in danger of slipping into the clutches of far-right leader Marine Le Pen a few days before the vote, so took the calculated risk to fess up to his adulterous ways in hope that it would humanise him in the eyes of the electorate.

However, the reigning president nearly undid all of his hard work by revealing that his mistress was none other than “Europe herself”. This nearly prompted a mass voter backlash and some severe strain injuries linked to excessive eye-rolling.

Brigitte Macron reportedly told close friends that she is happy for her husband to experiment outside the confines of their marriage, "so long as it doesn't turn into anything too serious." Macron's track record on Europe suggests that it will be nothing more than a passing fling.

Meanwhile, first-round flop Valérie Pécresse has called on the nineteen people who actually voted for her to help pay off €5 million in campaign expenses. “Just a small donation of a few hundred thousand euros should be enough,” Pécresse told her supporters.

Putin Threatens To Litter The Streets Of Sweden And Finland With Scrap Metal

Russia tyrant Vladimir Putin has warned NATO hopefuls Sweden and Finland that his army will “make a right mess of your roads” if they proceed with plans to join the military alliance.

Putin told Stockholm and Helsinki that their streets would be “littered with the burned-out wreckage of our tanks and abandoned military vehicles” if they do not abandon their new NATO aspirations.

“It’s what we’ve done in Ukraine and it’s what we’ll do elsewhere. So watch out,” the increasingly unhinged president added.

The notoriously neat and tidy Scandinavians were at first shocked by Putin’s threat but have since concluded that Russia’s crappy armour would never manage to make it that far before breaking down, getting stuck in the mud or being towed away by tractors.

Austria’s Chancellor Says Putin ‘Hangs Upside Down Like A Bat’

Austrian Chancellor Karl Nehammer claims that during a Moscow visit this week he learned that Vladimir Putin hangs from his office ceiling “like a bat” and exists on a diet of banana peels, turnip juice and bear blood.

Nehammer was in the Russian capital as part of an ill-judged diplomatic mission that other European leaders have avoided since the Ukraine invasion began. However, Austria’s chancellor did report that Putin has developed “some incredibly unusual habits”.

In addition to his batlike behaviour and odd diet – which Putin claims keeps him young and virile – the president wears a garland of garlic and horsehair around his neck and has to switch off the lights four times when entering or leaving a room.

According to Nehammer, Putin screams at his guards every few minutes to check that there are not any tractors in nearby cupboards. Austria’s chancellor also could not help but note several large jars of suspicious yellow liquid dotted around the Kremlin’s hallways.

As he was leaving, Nehammer says that he saw a sobbing Aleksandar Lukashenko cowering in a corner, shrieking that he would join NATO if Putin does not stop calling him an idiot. “You’re not my real dad!” the Belarusian strongman reportedly screamed as Nehammer left the palace.

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