Being Belgian isn't about your passport. It's about instinct. About knowing dozens of unwritten rules that you are expected to simply absorb. Becoming Belgian takes time. Sometimes even years. It takes hard work, dedication, and a willingness to constantly learn and adapt.
Master these three unwritten rules, and you've earned the right to call yourself a True Belgian.
Order beer by the pinky
It's Friday night, and you're out with colleagues. You haven't paid for a single beer yet, and are staring into a third emptied glass in front of you. Splitting a bill the day after is too much administration for a Saturday, so you stand up, back still bent, and point to your glass. You look around the table to make eye contact with all remaining six colleagues while pointing at your beer.
One, two, three.
Three nods, hand signals, or even smiles. Three slightly sad shakes of the heads. With you, that makes four. That's two pints a hand.
Manageable.
As you manage your way through the lingering crowd, standing idly while waiting for your group to leave the table so they can pounce on it, realisation sets in that this might take a while.
The afterwork crowd has been joined by a student group celebrating another final passed and a dozen or so friends getting ready for a night out. All screaming to make their opinion on Belgium losing to Spain in the quarterfinals of the World Cup known.
Ordering will be hell; the bar is tended by a single student worker who is trying to learn lipreading on the spot, as the orders yelled at him get overwhelmed by someone insulting Rudi Garcia and a particularly loud section of The Age of Love.
Luckily, you read The Brussels Times and know that you can order beer with your pinky, the least useful of all fingers.
You wrestle your way to the bar, force eye contact with Mark – or that's what's on his nameplate, at least – and raise a pinky, followed by four raised fingers. A smile of recognition comes your way.
A tap with your card later, you make your way back to your table with four new pints.
You just earned yourself a notch towards recognition as a True Belgian.
Illustrative image. Credit: Unsplash
Refuse hospitality so as not to be a burden
Your in-laws have finally worn you down. After weeks of inviting, reminding, cross-referencing agendas and having to work late at just the right time, you have finally sat down in the living room of their three-bedroom Uccle flat. You wonder what someone has to do nowadays to afford a place like this?
Wait, what do your in-laws do? Surely they've told you? She worked at a bank, and he is a teacher. Right? But why do you have a vague memory of a bakery?
As you look around the room for clues, you realise that you're lost in your train of thought. You snap back to reality just in time to be asked if you want to drink something.
They can make you a coffee, boil you some tea, open a bottle of wine, or crack you a beer.
You fancy a coffee, but if they make a pot of coffee now, they'll just have to throw away the rest when it inevitably gets cold. A cup of tea sounds nice, but making one is such a hassle. It might be early for wine, and that leaves them with an open bottle. And while you could certainly do with a beer to steady the nerves, your father-in-law surely wouldn't appreciate having his private collection raided by you.
You don't want to be a burden. It's rude to be a burden.
"No, you don't need to make coffee just for me. Oh, don't bother opening the tea cabinet; that's too much. Keep the bottle closed; don't trouble yourself. I'm doing dry January; any other month I'd love a cold one!"
Congratulations, you just earned yourself a second notch towards recognition as a True Belgian.
Illustrative images. Credit: Unsplash
Have a dedicated day for fries
Figuring out what to eat every day is an arduous task. You need to consume the right nutrients, take people's allergies and general dislikes into account, and you don't want to eat the same thing every single day.
Luckily, there's one day where you don't have to think about what to eat.
Every single week, you have a Fries Day (not Friday, although that's a regular to).
Fries Day is more than a day when you eat fries. It's a ritual. From the little dance where you look at the menu and think about what to get before ordering the usual, to complaining about the fries being better last week, despite ordering at the same place.
Whether it's Wednesday, Friday or Sunday, Fries Day is your dot on the horizon to look forward to. Your break from eating healthy but boring foods all week. Your moment to feel united with all the other fries-loving Belgians.
Congratulations, you have earned your third and final notch and are now a true Belgian.
