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The Brussels Times Magazine

Le Chou's week in review

Friday, 1 July 2022
By  Le Chou
Le Chou's week in review

Le Chou is Europe's craziest source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

New Zealand And UK To Switch Locations Under New EU Trade Deal

New Zealand and the United Kingdom will switch locations under the terms of a new EU trade deal, positioning the Southern Hemisphere nation closer to its commercial partners in Europe and giving the Brits some much needed space to think.

“We could not be happier with this deal. We’ve been dying to get away from the Australians for ages now, so this deal with the EU is going to make a lot of people happy,” Kiwi PM Jacinda Arden told reporters in Brussels. "Who knows, maybe we'll even join the EU at some point..."

According to sources, New Zealand’s two islands will be installed in the UK’s former spot in the North Sea, running from France’s western coast to the Fjords of Norway. A ferry service between the old and new Zealands is already in the works.

“This agreement works for everybody. It gives the UK time to think about what it has done and rewards the New Zealanders for being lovely and nice. They also said they would look after Northern Ireland,” EU trade boss Valdis Dombrovskis told Le Chou.

Work is now underway to transport the two archipelagos to opposite ends of the planet. Engineers plan to float the islands to their new locations and if deadlines are met, the two countries should cross paths somewhere off the coast of Angola in November.

Boris Johnson Worried About Slovenian Rival

Boris Johnson is “deeply concerned” that Slovenia’s new PM is vying for his title as ‘Prime Minister with the messiest hair’, according to sources close to the oafish UK leader.

Slovenia’s Robert Golob wrested power from Twitter-addicted conspiracy-theory peddler Janez Janša earlier this year and it appears that he is not done doling out some humble pie to rightwing populists just yet.

Golob has caused quite a stir at recent European Council and NATO summits with his tousled mane of shoulder-length hair, prompting comparisons with the UK’s scruffy PM Boris Johnson.

“Boris is furious that what’s-his-name from Slovakia is muscling in on his schtick,” an aide close to Johnson told Le Chou. “He’s going to be having words with Bobby as soon as possible.”

Johnson reportedly told Golob at the NATO meeting that he should get a haircut immediately, “otherwise people won’t take you seriously and they’ll think you’re a clown.”

‘We Will Adopt Your Baby,’ Insist Poland, Malta PMs

Poland and Malta’s prime ministers have urged mothers not to seek abortions and instead allow them to adopt their offspring, as Europe reacts to the US supreme court’s decision to strike down federal protection for a woman’s right to choose.

Mateusz Morawiecki and Robert Abela insist people should not be outraged by the supreme court’s torpedoing of human rights but should instead “consider the benefits of adoption”. Malta bans abortion outright, while Poland had outlawed it in all but a few scenarios.

Poland’s PM has also welcomed the supreme court’s decision to strike down environmental protection norms, which has blown a hole in President Joe Biden’s already-faltering climate plans.

“Now these are some judges that I can get on board with. Pro fossil fuel and anti-abortion? What’s not to like?” Morawiecki said.

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