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Putin Asks Zelenskyy If He Can At Least Keep Moscow
Russian despot Vladimir Putin has privately asked Volodymyr Zelenskyy if he can at least keep Moscow, as Ukraine’s defenders gain ground and military reinforcements start to turn the tide of the war.
Putin reportedly called Zelenskyy earlier this week after Ukraine’s soldiers liberated the city of Kharkiv and Germany sent leopards to Kyiv. Russia’s president tried to convince his Ukrainian counterpart that “you know that this invasion was all just a little joke between Slavic brothers, right?”
Kremlin insiders report that Putin then began uncontrollably sobbing, pleading with Zelenskyy to at least let him hold onto Russia’s capital city, as well as his dacha on the Black Sea coast “for sentimental reasons”.
Cracks in Putin’s steadfast approach to the ‘special military operation’ have prompted his military commanders to try and cheer up their president, inviting him to see the view of Moscow from the city’s new giant Ferris wheel.
One general even asked Putin if he would like to come on a secluded dawn fishing trip, just the two of them, on a quiet lake near St Petersburg. The invitation was not accepted.
Paranoid as ever, Putin has now moved into a new official residence that has no windows and no staircases, “so I don’t ‘accidentally’ fall out of or down any of them repeatedly,” the president said.
Charles Michel Devastated That Rock Band ‘Queen’ Broke Up
European Council President Charles Michel was seen in tears earlier this week after hearing the news that his favourite rock band, Queen, was no more.
Michel was inconsolable after mishearing the news update, telling reporters that “Bohemian Rhapsody will always be my favourite song. I can’t believe that Freddie, Brian, John and Roger aren’t going to play together anymore.”
At a ceremony to sign a book of condolences, Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen tried to explain that Queen broke up in 1991 when Freddie Mercury died but Belgium’s ex-PM’s grief was so intense he would not listen to reason.
Michel was last seen queuing 23 kilometres east of London, waiting for what he thinks is “one last gig”.
Orban Thanks MEPs For Recognising His Illiberal Efforts
Hungarian leader Viktor Orban has publicly thanked the European Parliament for finally recognising that his country is no longer a democracy, insisting that it is “nice when all your hard work pays off.”
Orban was thrilled to hear that MEPs voted overwhelmingly in favour of a motion that says Hungary is no longer a functioning democracy. The PM said that he had secretly been hoping for recognition for a number of years.
“Sometimes, when you’re gerrymandering voting districts and running all the free media out of the country, you think to yourself: ‘is it all worth it?’ But on days like these, I can tell you: it most certainly is,” he said during a teary acceptance speech.
High off his new accolade, Orban also urged the EU to suspend its corruption probe into Hungary, “out of respect for the late Queen Elizabeth II, my fellow monarch. It is rude to carry out like this during a period of royal mourning.”