Le Chou News: Gondor, Wakanda NATO Dreams Denied

Le Chou News: Gondor, Wakanda NATO Dreams Denied

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

Hungary, Turkey Deny NATO Membership For More Countries

Hungary and Turkey’s leaders continue to shatter the NATO dreams of more prospective members, in addition to the ongoing delays in approving Finland and Sweden’s bids.

Viktor Orban this week said that the mysterious, highly-advanced and fictional African country of Wakanda would not get a NATO thumbs-up from the Hungarian parliament, for “obvious reasons that I think you can figure out”. A recent spat with France had also jeopardised the secretive nation's aspirations.

Hungary’s prime minister added that Gilead, a totalitarian patriarchal republic, would be “very welcome in the alliance”, while Gondor, the world of men's last bastion against the forces of darkness, will “have to guarantee the rights of Transcarpathian Hungarians in Osgiliath first”.

Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, has meanwhile approved the membership bid of close personal friend Doctor Victor von Doom, a supervillain that rules the small Eastern European nation of Latveria as a personal fiefdom. Doom has since placed a sizeable order for Turkish drones.

Erdogan, however, is remaining firm in his insistence that Nordic nation Arandelle extradite a number of “troll terrorists” before their bid is accepted. Diplomats for the frozen kingdom have urged the president to just “let it go”.

Von Der Leyen Rages Against Train WiFi Woes

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen was left furious after the onboard WiFi on her Eurostar train failed and left her totally unprepared for a meeting with England’s King Charles III.

“This is total rubbish. It says it’s connected but nothing is loading,” von der Leyen told her staff while travelling underneath the Channel for a meeting with the British government and monarch.

Von der Leyen had hoped to use the two hours of business class travel to catch up with the latest season of ‘The Crown’ in order to prep for her meeting with England’s new king but was left disappointed by the technical failure.

Eurostar’s WiFi is notoriously temperamental and the European Commission’s president is not the first business travel caught out by the lack of connectivity. “What was I supposed to do? Waste my data on Netflix?” she asked an aide. "We should just take a private jet next time."

After disembarking in London, von der Leyen then headed to Windsor Castle to meet Charles III, who greeted the EU official with a handshake and bottle of port. “I know how you EU presidents like a drink,” the head of state told the president.

Another Twitter Expert Falls Into ‘Irreversible’ Coma

Health experts warned this week that there is a worrying and growing trend of twitter experts succumbing to serious illness and have urged armchair pundits to “take it easy and stay in your lane”.

Reports emerged on Tuesday that another twitter expert had slipped into a serious coma after attempting to write multi-tweet threads on Brexit, Kosovo-Serbia relations and electricity market reform, all at the same time.

“The human body cannot pivot from one subject to another like that in such a short period of time,” explained one doctor. "This was an extreme example, usually we see injuries like neck strains, mild concussions, possibly fractures."

“The World Health Organisation advises that twitter experts either stay in their lane of expertise or at least take an hour break between analytical pivots,” said another medical profession. "It's also healthier for the rest of us if we don't have to digest such half-baked punditry."

Pharmaceutical giants Moderna and Pfizer recently announced that they are working on a vaccine that could potentially allow up to two or three tweet threads to be written at the same time. Trials are still ongoing.

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*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

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