Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Charles Michel In ‘Succession’ Twist
Fans of the hit HBO show ‘Succession’ were left dazed and confused at the beginning of this week when the last ever episode revealed who would get the coveted CEO job at fictional firm Waystar Royco.
Charles Michel, Belgium’s former prime minister and the current head of the European Council, emerged victorious from the Shakespearian struggle to succeed Logan Roy and head his media empire, shocking audiences worldwide.
Never fancied to topple Kendall, Shiv or Roman, Michel nevertheless got the top job, despite previous seasons in which he was established as a bumbling support character with little grace or actual business sense.
“It is a twist of Shyamalan proportions,” wrote Vanity Fair, while The Guardian asked: “who the hell even is this guy?”
Despite the curtain coming down on Succession’s four season run, fans are still clamouring for more and hope that rumours of a spinoff show starring Michel, tentatively called House of Sofas, will prove to be true.
Erdogan Wins Presidency But Bankrupts Türkiye In Process
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan won the second round of Türkiye’s election this week but completely bankrupted the country in the process after handing out banknotes to every single Turk.
Expected to win a free but unfair election, Erdogan still hedged his bets by standing outside polling booths and dispersing Lira notes to enthusiastic voters. His team insists it was only to children, however, one beneficiary was later seen picking his grandkids up from school.
Other sources reported that Erdogan was not handing out actual money but 'Recep Bucks', his own currency that the now reelected president hopes to get into circulation during his time in office.
World leaders were initially hesitant to offer their congratulations to a president that has frustrated European foreign policy and threatened to weaponise migrants as part of an ongoing proxy battle over funding, EU membership and fossil fuel exploration rights.
But congratulatory messages did eventually pour in. Jabba the Hutt, an old kitchen sponge you should have thrown out weeks ago, your noisy upstairs neighbour and eternally unfunny comedian James Corden all tweeted their support.
Erdogan was also delighted to receive congratulations from the corner of the sofa that you keep stubbing your toe on.
‘Neuralink Chips’ For EU Top Officials
The European Commission announced that department heads will be asked to trial Elon Musk’s neuralink chip to see if brain implants can increase productivity at EU headquarters.
After receiving regulatory approval for human trials, Twitter CEO Elon Musk’s brain chip firm has secured its first high-level client: the European Commission.
According to internal documents seen by Le Chou, top ranking heads of unit will be asked to install the microchips so that they can better interface with their underlings and increase the output of policymaking.
It is the latest example of the EU executive wading into the brave new world of next-gen tech. Last month, the Commission appointed ChatGPT as its new chief spokesbot, which led to most journalists quipping that the transition was absolutely seamless.
These new ‘e-officials’ will be directly linked to a computer in President Ursula von der Leyen’s office, so that she can keep tabs on her staff and track progress of the pilot project.
When asked about any underlying safety or security concerns linked to implanting unproven tech into actual human brains, a Commission source said that “we’re not worried. If it goes wrong then we’ll hire someone new. That’s what EPSO is for isn’t it?”
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
