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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Orcas Demand To Be Taken Seriously
A pod of killer whales that has been wreaking havoc on Mediterranean shipping will blockade the islands of Cyprus and Malta until their demands are met, the maritime predators’ ringleader told Le Chou in an exclusive interview.
“Back in April, my sister was bumped on the head by a yacht called ‘Daddy’s Little Angel’. That was the final straw that broke the orca’s back,” the head of the killer whale resistance group explained when asked what had sparked their movement’s ship-fightback.
Orcas have been smashing up boats, disabling rudders and mustering their forces in strategic parts of the Mediterranean, as conflict analysts predict that some sort of offensive is imminent.
“We have decided to blockade the islands you call Cyprus and Malta until you people reform your shipping laws and leave us in peace,” said the surprisingly geopolitically-savvy giant dolphin.
When an EU diplomat told a group of orcas that the International Maritime Organisation governs shipping policy, not the EU institutions, the negotiator was torn to shreds. Brussels sources now admit it was a mistake to meet the whales at sea rather than on land.
When asked whether the killer whale movement had anything to do with the tragic shipwreck of a vessel carrying hundreds of migrants last week, the spokeswhale denied any involvement whatsoever.
“I might be a five metres-long, four tonne-heavy apex predator killing machine with razor sharp teeth that hunts for sport and bears a grudge, but I’m not a monster. Not like you people,” the whale said before returning to the briny depths.
Macron Raises Enough Cash To Make Mbappé Offer
French President Emmanuel Macron has announced that he has personally found enough money in the state budget to make an offer for football star Kylian Mbappé and keep him playing in France. It will, however, mean radical funding cuts.
Macron has reportedly been crunching the budget numbers for the last five days after rumours surfaced that France’s star footballer, Kylian Mbappé, is set to leave the French capital next year, likely for Spanish giants Real Madrid.
That prompted France’s head of state to call off a crucial international summit and to send Prime Minister Elisabeth Borne to his planned functions instead, so that he could personally oversee the penny-pinching exercise.
Macron triumphantly announced that he had found an extra €300 million in the government’s budget, which will be immediately used to make Mbappé’s agents a competitive offer, entirely contingent on the starlet staying in France, at least until the end of Macron’s term.
“I have done this for France, because France deserves the best and Kylian is clearly the best,” Macron told reporters. “I admit that some sacrifices will have to be made, but I really think it is worth it.”
Those “sacrifices” include a 50% cut to France’s teaching budget, the cancellation of two offshore wind projects, a complete cut of development aid to Cameroon and Algeria and a new tax on all sporting tickets. The retirement age will also be raised again from 64 to 74 to pay Mbappé's wages.
Berlusconi’s Funeral Descends Into Farce As Coffin Collapses
Disaster struck the funeral of Silvio Berlusconi in Milan last week when a poorly-made coffin collapsed, dumping the body of Italy’s former prime minister onto the church floor. The undertaker insisted afterwards that “it’s what Silvio would’ve wanted”.
As mourners, craven patrons and former lovers gathered in Milan’s imposing duomo for the final sendoff for Silvio Berlusconi, screams and gasps were heard just before the coffin was brought in for the funeral ceremony.
Shocked grievers were treated to one final look at the former PM’s embalmed cadaver after the bottom of his casket gave way, dumping the 86-year-old body onto the cold marble floor.
On closer inspection, it was clear that the coffin was made out of manufactured wood and pressed sawdust rather than premium oak. Berlusconi’s remains were quickly covered by a tablecloth and the funeral continued after a small break.
It was later revealed that the undertaker had skimped on materials and pocketed the thousands of euros he had been paid by Berlusconi’s family. “It’s what he would have wanted!” the corrupt coffin contractor said before being led away by police.
One long-time Berlusconi ally told Le Chou that "Silvio would have loved this".
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
