Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Wagner Group Cabbage Countdown
Le Chou News is delighted to announce a new feature that will attempt to answer whether Wagner Group coup-monger Yevgeny Prigozhin will outlast a head of cabbage.
Following caterer-turned-warlord Prigozhin’s putsch bottlejob this weekend and his subsequent exile in Belarus, there are many uncertainties about what this all means for the Wagner Group war criminal.
Prigozhin will reportedly not face charges for his half-march on Moscow, although state media has since walked back those claims, casting doubt on the private military contractor’s survival chances.
Kremlin insiders have revealed that Putin has ordered a fresh crate of polonium-laced tea and requested that Prigozhin be given a 12th floor apartment in Minsk’s tallest skyscraper with “360 window views of the Belarusian capital”. Special operatives have also been dispatched to visit the city's cathedral.
In order to give Le Chou readers extra insight into Russia’s latest special political operation, our editorial team will be tracking Prigozhin’s fortunes by monitoring the state of decay of a head of cabbage.
Inspired by a recent comparison of hapless UK PM Liz Truss with a head of lettuce, Le Chou will bring you scalding hot political analysis that you simply cannot find anywhere else.
The head of cabbage has been asked for its consent before the start of the exercise, following the Truss lettuce’s revelation that its life had been totally ruined after it was associated with the former British leader.
Twitter Expert Back In Hospital
A twitter expert is back in intensive care after pivoting too aggressively from Ukrainian defence capabilities to deep sea search and rescue operations. Doctors fear he will never tweet again.
“There are decades where nothing happens and weeks where decades happen,” Vladimir Lenin is reported to have once said. That is arguably true of the last 10 days as world event after world event dropped onto our timelines.
Billionaires notwithstanding, there have been victims. Concerns mount for a twitter expert who is back in hospital after attempting to share expertise on everything that has happened in the last week.
Pivoting from one area of alleged insight to another is well established as a health risk, with symptoms including concussion, neck strain, internal bleeding, memory loss and online ridicule.
The twitter expert in question already spent a couple of weeks in hospital last year when attempting to juggle three different tweet threads on vaccine production, electric car subsidies and Argentina’s chances of winning the World Cup.
This week, the expert may have shared his final unsolicited opinion though, with a 17-tweet-long analysis of Ukraine’s defence capabilities while simultaneously hosting a twitter space on how to find a submarine in the middle of the ocean.
It proved too much for the expert who was rushed to hospital and placed in a full body cast with multiple broken bones. Doctors have now placed him in a medically induced coma to prevent him from trying to add an 18th tweet to the thread.
The expert’s long-suffering wife has now been told by medical staff that he might never tweet again.
Europe’s Kremlin Stooges Call HQ For Further Instructions
Some of Europe’s most craven Kremlin stooges and Putinversteher placed worried calls to Moscow this weekend as the threat of a coup threatened their cushy lifestyles and patronage networks.
Amid the Wagner Group’s attempt at a putsch this weekend, Europe’s most treacherous and slippery politicians hit speed dial on their phones to check in with Moscow and find out how a successful coup would affect their interests.
French far-right leader Marine Le Pen was seen on hold with Putin’s secretary as the failed presidential candidate sought assurances that her monthly payment plan would not be cancelled.
Brexit-monger and boorish TV host Nigel Farage phoned home to get new orders but was also unable to get through to Russia’s monstrous head of state. He later fell back on his contingency plan: to continue grifting and undermining decency everywhere.
Even Italy’s Matteo Salvini, who gets hot and bothered just thinking about Putin, was left on hold. The Lega leader was calling to ask whether he should make up his spare room so that the Russian president could stay with him in exile.
It was later revealed that Putin himself was tying up the line and attempting to reach Silvio Berlusconi, his former friend and most useful idiot, who the Russian leader has forgotten actually died a couple of weeks ago.
Extra! Extra!
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
