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Emmanuel Macron has agreed to surrender France’s nuclear launch codes to a division of angry farmers after tractors brought parts of Paris to a standstill and slightly inconvenienced some already-furious motorists.
France’s president addressed the nation on Sunday night after holding peace talks with farmers and announced that he has agreed to hand over the country’s nuclear weapon launch codes.
“I had no choice but to surrender our nukes to the farmers. They blocked a highway for a couple of hours and told me that without them we will have no food, what else could I do?” Macron said during the address.
Shortly after the TV address was finished, Macron met with the farmers on Place de la Concorde, where he sank to his knees and presented the nuclear football to a man with ruddy cheeks and a pitchfork.
“It is about time that we were taken more seriously. We will extend our new nuclear umbrella to farmers everywhere in Europe,” said the group’s leader.
As part of the capitulation package, France’s president also agreed that the Champs-Élysées will be ripped up and turned into wheat fields, while the Eiffel Tower will be converted into a grain silo.
Macron has also appointed Daisy the Cow as his prime minister. France’s head of state told the nation that “la République, c’est moo”.
An in-depth investigation by Le Chou journalists has revealed that Macron may not be the son of an affluent doctor as previously thought but might instead hail from a butter farm in rural Brittany. This may mean that agricultural lobby has been planning a coup d'etat for forty years.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
