Name: The Eurostar to and from Brussels.
Age: 30 years.
Location: Brussels, Lille, London.
Can you believe it’s only two hours from Brussels to London? Can you believe Brexit happened? What’s the boarding process like?
Queueful. They scan your bags, stamp your passport and shepherd you through a tantalisingly drab duty-free shop for last-minute Belgian chocolates. They then hole you up in a windowless box until boarding.
Any top tips for this process?
The only Pret A Manger I’ve seen in Europe is, naturally, at Gare du Midi right opposite the Eurostar to London. Literally giving you a taste of what’s to come. So grab a yoghurt pot and get excited.
Say, how’s the WiFi 20,000 leagues under the sea?
Anywhere between terrible and non-existent. Surprisingly, the worst WiFi is not under the sea but just as you enter the UK. Maybe that wasn’t
surprising. WiFight it?
So how do you entertain yourself without WiFi?
Grab a tinny of red wine and some nuts from "Café Metropole" for a solo apéro whilst tearing through les Ch’tis at 300 km/h.
Café Metropole? Sounds fancy.
It’s where the cross-channel metropolitan elite (who can’t afford premium tickets) gather for pastries and Pringles.
So you’ve got your apéro and are sitting smugly in your seat. You’ve almost convinced me to try the Eurostar.
And remember I’m extra smug because I’m not flying and am therefore saving the planet. Apparently.
Just checked ticket prices. It’s all very well to claim "I don’t fly to save the planet" until the train costs five times an EasyJet return.
Yes, being principled is very expensive. But the Café Metropole makes it worth it. Sort of. Not really. Maybe plan in advance for once and nab the cheap tickets?
Sorry. Too spontaneous and free-spirited for that. Now the conductor announces you’re pulling into St Pancras International, London…
Made all the more impressive by her trilingual delivery. My favourite is Flemish in a thick French accent. Only Francophones could make Flemish sound so seductive.
Na ja. You’ve made it off the train. What next?
Time for another Pret and a visit to the King.
Do say: Bienvenue à bord ! Welkom aan boord! Welcome aboard!
Don’t say: I missed the Eurostar back to Brussels.
The Belgian Waffle is a satirical column.
