For some, Father's Day can be a time of mixed emotions. This Sunday, many fathers will enjoy spending time with their children to celebrate the special day together. But what about those who don't see their kids as often as they would like?
Around 10% of Belgian households are single-parent families. For a variety of reasons, mothers tend to be given custody of children following parental separation. Only one child of separated parents in 20 lives primarily with their father (around 30,000 children in Belgium).
Yet statistics struggle to capture the reality of separated fathers. Children can only be officially domiciled at one address, meaning many fathers who share parenting responsibilities disappear from the data altogether.
Overall, post-separation custody arrangements remain some distance from the objective of Belgium's 2006 law favouring equal shared parenting, as only one child of separated parents in five benefits from an equal custody arrangement (around 120,000 children in Belgium).
To better understand the perspectives of single fathers in Belgium, The Brussels Times spoke to two men about their experiences of fatherhood following divorce or separation.
'No guidebook, no instruction manual'
Éric Somerlinck, 58, was 28 years old when he became a father in 1996. He had been with his partner since he was 18 and imagined they would raise their daughter, Manon, together. Instead, just three weeks after she was born, the relationship ended.
"It wasn't what I had imagined," he recalls. Overnight, the perfume factory worker found himself navigating fatherhood between two homes.
Somerlinck successfully obtained shared custody from the start. His daughter spent one week with him and one week with her mother. But for Somerlinck, that was not enough. During the weeks Manon stayed with her mother, he would still find excuses to see her.
"I used to wait for her outside school just to give her a kiss," he says.
Today, his daughter Manon is 30 and a mother herself. Father's Day no longer revolves around custody schedules, school runs or bedtime routines. Instead, she often visits with Eric's granddaughter for a small family meal. "We always celebrate somehow," he says.
Looking back, he remembers how overwhelming fatherhood felt to him as a young man. There was no guidebook, no instruction manual and few examples around him. "There isn't a Larousse [a reference book] that tells you exactly how to raise a child," he laughs. "Everyone does it the way they feel is right."
When his daughter was unwell, he called his own mother for advice. He bought parenting books. He worried constantly. "I was a bit of a father hen," he admits. "Maybe even overprotective."
Now, Manon is 30 years and herself a mother, their bond is stronger than ever. Credit: Handout
Some of his happiest memories of fatherhood are of ordinary, everyday things – the small moments that become the foundations of a life. Sitting in theatre seats watching dance recitals. Helping with homework, picking his daughter up from school. "I was proud every time I watched her dance," he said.
Today, when he talks about fatherhood, there is no bitterness. Instead, he is grateful.
"Being a father is the most beautiful thing in the world," he tells us. "It's the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me."
'A big hug was not really something my father would do'
After a difficult divorce, social worker Didier Deroy, 52, went through some challenging times. His teenage daughter had to learn gradually that her mum and dad weren't together anymore. Father's Day, he says, became a bittersweet time for him.
When he learned from the judge during his custody battle that he would only be seeing his teenage daughter twice a fortnight, being a father became "something else" for him. Now, the moments he gets to spend with her are counted, and about "nurturing her dreams," he says.
Being able to make his daughter smile is rewarding to Didier Deroy. Credit: Handout
"If tomorrow she wants to go to the moon, there is a technical and financial difficulty. But I can take her to the planetarium and create that positive emotion she wants," he tells The Brussels Times.
He is happiest, he says, when he can spend quality time with his daughter doing things they both enjoy. They browse manga together, visit bookshops and share an interest in pop culture.
Deroy remembers his own father as a "loveable man", although emotionally distant, he says. "A big hug was not really something he would do."
Today, he understands that it was "perfectly normal". "He belonged to a generation where affection was often expressed through responsibility and sacrifice."
Nonetheless, Deroy is keen about the importance of affection with his child. He says that his daughter needs reassurance now more than ever. "Even when she was little, she needed me to come and sit beside her bed and tell her stories."
His daughter has also taught him something about fatherhood: "She recognises that dad always manages to find solutions, even when people put obstacles in his way."
He rejects the "suffocating" traditional roles given to mothers and fathers. "Being a father is first and foremost being a parent. Papa or mama, today, it should not be very different."
Fatherhood, as Deroy sees it, is about accompanying a child through life. "It is about sharing things, from the concrete to the imaginary."
