Everyone's had a questionable dating experience at some point in their life, but one Finnish woman has had a particularly strange series of encounters in Brussels. Ranging from hilarious to harrowing, she tells The Brussels Times how dating in the city has left her feeling drained and scared.
This article is part of The Brussels Times' dating series, which includes columns and interviews with experts and members of the public on all matters of the heart.
Hailing from Finland, Helena*, 34, has been dating in the Belgian capital for the last few years. From Hinge and Bumble to Tinder and the more alternative Feeld, she's worked her way through all the apps – but to no avail. "I've tried all of them, but every app's a hook-up app," she tells The Brussels Times.
Helena went on around ten dates in Brussels last year. "The best experiences are dates that are very boring and nothing bad or weird happens," she says.
One such experience was with a Greek man she met on Hinge, who worked at the European Commission. In true Eurocrat fashion, before even asking how she was or about her day, he launched straight in with a question about her opinion on NATO. "It felt like a job interview," she laughs.
Another odd encounter involved a Belgian man who didn't wash before the date and turned up with "visibly dirty hands", as if he'd been gardening.
Friends, neighbours, lovers
One time, she arranged to go on a first date with a Polish man from Bumble to a small party at Beursschouwburg, and they bought their tickets in advance. On the day of the date, however, he texted to say that he would also be bringing his "friends, neighbours and lovers" – comically reminiscent of Shakespeare's "friends, Romans, countrymen".
In the end, she decided to go with a friend herself. Helena's date arrived hours after her and didn't speak to her all night. The only communication they had was when he took a video of her dancing from behind and sent it to her on WhatsApp while they were still at the event.
This experience wasn't quite as bad as another nightclub experience, however, when she spotted a French man whom she had been dating for a couple of months at C12 on a date with someone else – an evening which she describes as "humiliating".
The dancefloor of Brussels nightclub C12. Credit: Jeroen Verrecht / C12
Dating ghosts
Finding a man willing to commit has also been a struggle. Back home in Finland, Helena was a student and not looking for anything serious. Now in her mid-30s, she is very clear with men that she wants a committed relationship and children.
She recalls a toxic, nine-month "situationship" with a man from Leuven, whom she met on Feeld. He would frequently cancel dates for reasons such as her being on her period. After calculating that he'd cancelled 13 dates in two months, she decided it was time to end it.
Helena has also experienced ghosting on a few occasions, a phenomenon in which someone ends a relationship by suddenly cutting all communication without explanation.
"It's just infuriating. It's not something our brains are made for; we're not supposed to have those kinds of interactions as humans. Every time it happens, it hurts. It's like someone slamming a door in front of you."
On one date, in fact, she had a long conversation with a Dutch-American from Bumble who told her how rough online dating was and how women had ghosted him in the past – and then he proceeded to ghost Helena.
Beware of the feminists
One aspect of dating that has particularly struck Helena in recent years is how the seemingly "good guys" have turned out to be her worst and most painful experiences.
She says she has spoken about this at length with her therapist, who tells her that misogynists were easier to detect in the past, because their views were more socially acceptable, and women knew who to avoid.
"But now it's 'cool' to work for an NGO and be a feminist. So now you can't recognise people: you might agree with someone on everything, but that doesn't guarantee anything. And that's scary," she says.
"It makes you so suspicious about everything, and it's so hard going on dates, because a person can say one thing, but then you find out they are completely the opposite."
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She talks about a Flemish man, with whom she went on three dates. He was "charming and mysterious" at first, but he became one of the few people she blocked. "He was the kind of guy who goes to therapy and reads feminist literature, but I quickly became scared of him."
They had a relaxed lunchtime first date, which was "emotionally intense", and then he invited her to his place for the second, which she now says was a mistake.
"Before I rang his doorbell, I felt fear," she says. At the time, she told herself she was overthinking and had no reason to feel this way, but now says she knows she should trust her gut, even if there is no "physical evidence" of wrongdoing.
Having invited her over at around 21:00, he told her she would have to leave by 23:00 as he was working the next day. But then they ended up sharing a bottle of wine and having sex, and it was around 03:00, so she assumed she wouldn't be going home that evening anymore. The next day, however, he told her she had "crossed his boundaries" by staying the night. "It's like he put me in a trap. He initiated, but then blamed me."
After a third lunch date, the pair entered into a long text exchange when he became verbally aggressive and manipulative, pushing her to apologise for something she hadn't done. She eventually blocked him.
Credit: Canva
Blurred lines
Similarly, she met a self-proclaimed French feminist on Bumble, who worked for an NGO and was another seemingly "good guy". The pair went for a drink and had a nice time, discussing topics they both cared about, such as feminism and consent.
After a successful second date at the cinema, he invited her to his place. She was on her period, so she didn't want to have sex. It became clear to her, however, that although he understood the concept of consent in theory, it was a very different story in practice.
"It was this blurry situation where I was enjoying the making-out part. And I had decided that I didn't want to go further than that. But then he was doing something that I didn't want at the same time. I was saying no, but he kept doing it. And then after a while, I felt tired of saying no. And then it goes to a point where we have sex, and I stay for the night," she says.
"I don't feel I can call it assault, but it was also not consensual. I remember that night I was trying to sleep, but I was fully awake, and I just felt terrified. I'm sure so many women have a similar experience."
The next day, she mentioned she had already planned a date with someone else. As he hugged her goodbye, he whispered, "when you're on your date tonight, think about my dick."
He asked her on another date shortly after, but she told him over the phone how she had felt during the night they spent together. He said that was her side of the story, and that they could have a "philosophical discussion" about it, but in his view, it had all been consensual.
"I told him this wasn't a philosophical conversation for me; it was very concrete, and I felt violated." She never saw him again.
'I don't feel hopeful'
Helena's most recent experience was thankfully a positive and "corrective" one. It ended amicably around a month ago and reminded her there are men out there who are "lovely and respectful."
She has now decided she needs a break from the apps and dating in general, however.
"I don't feel very hopeful [about dating], and I'm trying to focus on other areas of my life. I had finally found someone great, and then that also didn't work out. I'm scared of dating because some of these experiences have been so rough that you put yourself at risk each time. It's very draining and has taken a toll on my mental health."
Through sharing her stories, Helena hopes to create a community and show other single women in Brussels that they are not alone.
If you have a story to share of dating in the city, get in touch! i.vivian@brusselstimes.com
*Name has been changed to protect the speaker’s identity.
