Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Bluesky because Twitter is dead.
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
French President Emmanuel Macron will provide as yet undisclosed information in a bid to prove without a reasonable doubt that he is in fact a real human being.
Macron has announced that he has put together an elite team of legal experts, psychologists, philosophers and biologists to compile a dossier of evidence backing his claims that he is human.
The French head of state’s insistence on proving his humanity has likely been triggered by comments made by members of France’s media, who recently opined that “the president is like a cockroach, he cannot be killed even by a nuclear blast”.
Macron’s political resilience has indeed been a subject of speculation in recent weeks, as his government’s inability to pass a budget has seen the president teeter near the very brink. Some have even wondered whether he is absorbing the life-force of the many prime ministers he has gone through during his time in office.
The former Rothschild banker has also been unfavourably compared to “a lizard in an Armani suit” and “an alien from Planet Neolib” by his political opponents.
However, instead of focusing all of his efforts on governing more effectively, Macron has redirected money from France’s Ukraine aid fund to pay for his inquest.
An Élysée source told Le Chou that yesterday the president undertook an in-depth Voigt-Kampff test to prove that he is not a synthetic android and is tomorrow scheduled to try his hand at the infamous ‘trolley problem’ to gauge his level of empathy.
Officials from the Paris zoo will also try to tempt Macron with raw meat and other treats enjoyed by carnivorous reptiles in order to assess his response.
Legal experts believe that if the president passes all the tests, he will be able to sue anybody that says he is "dead behind the eyes".
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
