Le Chou is Europe's craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for Le Chou's round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.
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EU Bans Russian Olive Oil
The EU has banned with immediate effect the import of Russian olive oil, because “it is much easier than banning crude oil”.
EU Commission boss Ursula von der Leyen announced the olive oil ban earlier this week, dashing any hopes that Brussels would actually do something useful to help Ukraine fight off Russia’s advances.
“Not a single olive grown in Russia or litre of oil will be imported into the EU,” von der Leyen said, presumably forgetting or ignoring the fact that olives do not grow in Russia. Attempts by reporters to point out this fact were brushed away by one spokesperson, who said: "The president gives press statements, not press conferences, as you well know."
One EU official nevertheless insisted that the sanction is well ahead of its time as unmitigated climate change will soon mean Russian olive trees could soon grow in warmer climes: “This is proper long-term, blue-sky, out of the box thinking.”
BREAKING: EU Announces IMMEDIATE Ban On Russian Olive Oil pic.twitter.com/8y10F6Zlch— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 4, 2022
Olaf Scholz Debuts Weird Handshake
German Chancellor Olaf Scholz has been seen showing off a weird handshake when greeting fellow leaders, as it is revealed that government officials needed something odd to distract from their unpopular policies.
“Scholz is just too boring. When we want to u-turn on weapons deliveries or make Covid vaccines mandatory, there’s nothing for the media to latch on to instead,” one member of the chancellor’s inner circle told Le Chou.
“That’s where the idea for the strange handshake came from. He doesn’t have any hair left, so we couldn’t go down the Johnson route. This is working really nicely,” the aide added. “I notice that he has made the front page of Le Chou more often too!”
Scholz is now reportedly thinking of trying a funny walk or becoming a weird hat guy, as the government mulls some more decisions that voters will not like.
Olaf Scholz Has A Weird Handshake pic.twitter.com/JmhOSC0v3g— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 3, 2022
Macron Consults Prophetic Tapestry As Hunt For PM Continues
French President Emmanuel Macron has consulted the world-famous Bayeux tapestry for clues as to who he should name as his new prime minister, in a classic time-honoured tradition.
Macron spent two days this week pouring over the 70-metre-long embroidery, scanning the vast tapestry for any signs about the identity of his new parliamentary minion. His hunt has so far been unsuccessful.
Five years ago, it took the head of state just two minutes to find his deputy, as one figure with a weird beard pointed the search immediately to Édouard Philippe. “I knew I had found my man,” Macron said at the time.
Now the president faces a bigger challenge as a bald figure on horseback reportedly reminds him of European Council head Charles Michel. “I refuse to believe that this is what the tapestry is telling me,” Macron told his closest advisors.
The search continues.
Macron Consults The Bayeux Tapestry For Clues About Who To Name As His Prime Minister, In Time-Honoured Tradition pic.twitter.com/UQSvVhAe8E— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 3, 2022