Le Chou is Europe's craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for Le Chou's round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.
*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times
Boris Johnson Kidnaps Sweden’s Prime Minister
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson kidnapped his Swedish counterpart earlier this week during a rowboat publicity stunt. The motive? Brexit.
During a visit to Stockholm to promise Sweden security guarantees, Johnson and Magdalena Andersson boarded a small wooden boat, ostensibly for a short row around a Swedish lake.
Little did Andersson know though, Johnson was up to something, refusing to go back to shore until she promised to follow his lead and put Sweden on a path to leaving the EU.
When the resolute Swedish PM insisted she would do no such thing, BoJo deployed his surprisingly competent rowing skills – gained during his time at Oxford University – to navigate a small inlet and hit open water.
The two PMs were last seen heading for the white cliffs of Dover in the English Channel.
Boris Johnson Kidnaps Sweden’s PM, Refuses To Bring Her Back Until She Promises To Leave The EU Too pic.twitter.com/lr9N2IbqTb
— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 11, 2022
Brussels Says Oil Is ‘The Most Gay Fossil Fuel’
The EU has officially labelled crude oil as ‘the most gay fossil fuel’ in a cunning bid to trick Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban into banning Russian imports.
Orban has so far remained stubbornly steadfast in his refusal to drop Hungary’s veto over the Russian crude oil import ban plan proposed by Brussels, forcing the European Commission to get creative.
“After lengthy consultations, we have established that oil is by far the gayest fossil fuel and we also have our suspicions about natural gas, but we’ll get to that later,” a Commission spokesperson said.
That prompted outrage in Hungary, where LGBT rights are under pressure from Orban’s freshly reelected government. The EU’s announcement has already led to the creation of the ‘Keep Krude Away From Kids’ movement.
Earlier in the week, Ursula von der Leyen had the shock of her life when she walked in on Orban taking one of his daily crude oil baths. “So that’s why he doesn’t want to ban it,” the Commission president realised.
EU Officially Registers Crude Oil As ‘The Most Gay Fossil Fuel’ In Cunning Bid To Trick Orban Into Banning Imports pic.twitter.com/90MBG5HFpe
— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 10, 2022
Zelenskyy Reports New War Crimes To The Hague
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy reported yet another instance of war crimes to The Hague this week, after Irish rock band U2 showed up in Kyiv to play an impromptu gig.
“Have we not suffered enough?” Zelenskyy asked Western diplomats after the 8-hour-long set by frontman Bono and guitarist the Edge in one of the Ukrainian capital’s metro stations. “Bono had his goons lock the doors, it was dreadful,” one eye witness revealed.
“It’s not like we invited them. I don’t even know how they got into the country,” the president said during a tearful report. Kyiv residents trapped in the metro with the rockers have since been offered counselling.
“Lives have already been ruined. All I ask now is that you help prevent this from happening again. Please instruct your intelligence agencies to keep an eye on Sting, that would be the last thing we need right now,” Zelenskyy pleaded.
Zelenskyy Reports New War Crimes To The Hague, As ‘U2’ Stars Bono And The Edge Insist On Singing In Kyiv pic.twitter.com/EhdWY5HKr6
— Le Chou (@LeChouNews) May 8, 2022