Le Chou’s week in review

Le Chou’s week in review

Le Chou is Europe’s craziest source of news. Tune in weekly for Le Chou’s round up of major news stories, all with an intentionally inaccurate twist.

*’Le Chou’ is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

 

Slovenia’s Prime Minister Released Back Into The Wild

Slovenia’s ousted prime minister, Janez Janša, has been successfully released back into the wild, after politicians elected a replacement and decided to return him to his natural habitat.

Following an election defeat earlier this month to newcomer Robert Golob, nobody quite knew what would happen to Janša. Experts were worried that the Trump-supporting three-time PM could not survive in the current political climate.

That is why the decision was taken to release Janša into the wooded wilds of northern Slovenia, close to the mountains that the twitter-obsessed politician loves to climb during his downtime.

“It’s for the best really. We know that he’ll miss tweeting and sharing mad conspiracy theories online but the fresh air and nature will do him a lot of good,” said one of the researchers that helped release Janša.

A GPS collar and drone technology will be used to keep tabs on the former PM. Just a few hours after his return to the woods, Janša was spotted crouched on a riverbank devouring a raw fish. “I have a feeling he’ll be just fine,” another researcher said, tearfully.

 

Europe’s Naval Forces Arrive in Odesa To Break Russian Blockade, Move Grain

 An all-star fleet of European naval vessels has arrived at the Black Sea port of Odesa to break Russia’s blockade of Ukraine’s grain exports and escort the shipments to safety.

Led by Emmanuel Macron on a jetski and followed closely by UK PM Boris Johnson in his Swedish rowboat, the admittedly modest fleet hopes to clear away explosive mines so that Ukrainian ships can leave Odesa’s harbour.

European admirals have charted the ‘Ever Given’ – which last year blocked the Suez Canal when it ran aground – to use it as a massive battering ram to get into the port. “This will definitely work,” said one sailor.

While that naval mission is underway, European Council president Charles Michel is heading for Ukraine by rail at a heady 23 kilometres per hour aboard a steam train requisitioned for the operation.

Michel’s previous plan to personally pedal millions of tonnes of grain by bicycle into Europe was ultimately dismissed as “totally insane”.

 

Viktor Orban Claims There Is No Hungarian Word For ‘Oil’

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban says that he can’t talk about the EU’s plan for a Russian oil embargo at next week’s Council summit, because “Hungarian doesn’t actually have a word for oil.”

Orban says he will have to maintain his veto over the embargo because of the linguistic anomaly, insisting that “I really want to help Brussels out with this but I just don’t know what they are talking about.”

Le Chou contacted a linguistic expert in a bid to verify the PM’s claims about the notoriously difficult tongue but came up short, as this particular language nerd said “it sounds so crazy but might well be true.”

Orban – who is now ruling by state decree after triggering emergency powers – has made great effort to hide his crude oil addiction from other leaders, even moving barrels of the black gold out of his web camera’s field of vision.

 


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