Le Chou’s week in review

Le Chou’s week in review

Le Chou is Europe’s craziest source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist.

*’Le Chou’ is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times

 

Zelenskyy Begins To Regret EU Membership Bid

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is reportedly having second thoughts about championing a bid to join the EU, after realising that he would have to hang out more often with Emmanuel Macron and Olaf Scholz.

Zelenskyy hosted Macron, Scholz and Italy’s Mario Draghi this week in Kyiv as the three leaders made their first visit to Ukraine since Russia invaded in late February.

“It was a real drag. Emmanuel kept offering to name think-tanks after me if I give up Donbas to Putin and Scholz pretended that he never got our weapons requests. Draghi’s OK but it’s like spending the entire day with your grandad,” Zelenskyy told his advisors.

The war-hero president also admitted that applying to join the EU may have been a mistake. “If they’re going to be popping by all the time then forget it. Knowing them, they’ll probably bring their weird mates as well. Pedro’s fine. Very handsome.”

 

 

Turkeys Renamed ‘Greek Chickens’

Finland and Sweden have agreed to rename turkey birds ‘Greek chickens’ as part of their efforts to convince Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan not to veto their NATO membership bids.

Erdogan has spent the last couple of weeks threatening to block the Scandi entrants if key concessions are not granted. Renaming turkey birds – a source of humorous personal embarrassment for the president – and vexing the Greeks top that list.

Prime ministers Sanna Marin and Magdalena Andersson this week agreed that the Christmas dinner poultry will now be referred to as ‘Greek chickens’ instead. Translators are now updating dictionaries and legal texts to reflect the new vocabulary.

Erdogan is currently overseeing a big rebrand of his country, which he now insists must be called ‘Türkiye’. The president also says that ‘Turkish Airlines’ planes will no longer be decked out with giant novelty beaks and tail feathers.

 

Nick Cave Spotted In EU Cafeteria

Australian rocker and prince of darkness Nick Cave was spotted dining in the European Commission’s canteen earlier this week. The singer-songwriter said he was “drawn to the hopelessness and bleakness of the place”.

‘Bad Seeds’ frontman Cave surprisingly took time away from headlining summer music festivals to hit up the Commission cafeteria on Tuesday. The ‘Peaky Blinders’ soundtrack mastermind said he had wanted to visit for quite some time.

“The very fabric of the building seems to draw life out of its host, feasting on the enthusiasm and souls of all that enter. I felt at home straightaway,” Cave told reporters. “Bleak doesn’t begin to describe it.”

The Aussie wordsmith is a big fan of Brussels, enjoying global success with albums such as ‘Merger Ballads’, ‘Push the CleanSky Joint Undertaking Away’ and ‘The Spokesman’s Call’.

Hit songs like ‘EUbilee Street’, ‘DG Lazarus DG’ and ‘We Don’t No Who U R’ – an ode to European Parliament lawmakers – have also cemented Cave’s reputation as an unlikely EU-nerd.

Cave also writes semi-regular blog entries about renewable energy sources and low-carbon fuels, which are published under the immensely popular ‘RED Hand Files’. His next project is reportedly a 20-track-long spoken word rendition of the Habitats Directive.


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