Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
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Mick Jagger Mistaken For Dutch Politico Neelie Kroes
Rolling Stones rocker Mick Jagger was heckled by passers-by in Brussels this week as they mistook the septuagenarian singer for Dutch politician and Uber-advocate Neelie Kroes.
Jagger and surviving Stones members Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood were in Brussels this week for the latest leg of their 2022 tour but were treated to a frosty welcome in the EU quarter.
Unfortunately for the legendary frontman, he had been mistaken for Neelie Kroes, a former VP of the European Commission who allegedly lobbied the Dutch prime minister on behalf of ride-hailing firm Uber.
Anti-lobbying activists reportedly shouted at Jagger that “Uber can always get what it wants” and “you’re a honky tonk woman” before realising their mistake and asking for a selfie instead.
Jagger took it all in his stride and was later seen drinking a beer in the Berlaymont canteen. “Nick Cave said this place was great but I don’t see it. Depressing as hell.”
Mick Jagger Heckled In Brussels As Passers-By Mistake Him For Uber Lobbyist Neelie Kroes pic.twitter.com/DlxGwpjJLV— Le Chou News (@LeChouNews) July 11, 2022
Mario Draghi Resigns But Italy’s President Was Sleeping So Didn’t Hear Him
Italian Prime Minister Mario Draghi offered up his resignation yesterday as an ongoing political crisis threatens to topple his government. But head of state Sergio Mattarella was taking a nap during their meeting so did not hear him quit.
Octogenarian Mattarella – who was dreaming of retirement with his grandchildren a couple of months ago before being thrust back into the role of president – had had a long week and in the high temperatures of Rome was struggling to keep his eyes open.
That is why Mario Draghi’s tactical resignation as PM was news to the president when he heard about it later from an advisor.
“I was just resting my eyes. And besides, people seem to resign around here every other day so I’m sure he’ll be back on Monday to do it again,” Mattarella told reporters when asked about his snoozing.
Draghi’s woes appear to be the knock-on effect of the ‘Erdogan Curse’, a phenomenon that appears to affect world leaders that have come into contact with Turkey’s president and which was first identified by this publication.
Le Chou is now offering its consulting services for anyone else that would like to see a particular prime minister or government toppled. Monarchies cost extra.
Mario Draghi RESIGNS As Prime Minister But Italy’s President Was Asleep So Didn’t Hear Him pic.twitter.com/fYZZSe8PPq— Le Chou News (@LeChouNews) July 14, 2022
US And EU To Merge After Currencies Reach Parity
EU officials were in crisis mode this week as it was discovered that the bloc will have to be incorporated into the United States, after the euro and US dollar reached parity for the first time in 20 years.
Inflation and fears about Russia’s weaponisation of energy exports has cut the legs off of the euro’s value and by Wednesday was worth exactly one US dollar for the first time since the single currency was first launched back in the early 2000s.
At first, EU officials insisted that there was no need to panic but after a European Commission lawyer dusted off a forgotten transatlantic treaty, it became clear that the EU will now have to become the 51st US state.
“Let’s look at the positives: a single currency, visa-free travel and maybe even the chance to run for political office that actually matters,” Ursula von der Leyen said during a press conference after the news broke.
Indeed, France’s president is already contemplating a run as a ‘Macronian candidate’ in the 2024 elections, should the merger go ahead as planned.
Croatia, the EU’s newest member, was shocked by the news after just getting the all-clear to join the euro. Its finance minister quipped that maybe the rest of the bloc should just adopt its current currency, the kuna, to make things less complex.
European Union To Become 51st US State If Euro And Dollar Reach Parity, Under Terms Of Obscure Treaty Everybody Forgot About pic.twitter.com/9PfhpoDgEK— Le Chou News (@LeChouNews) July 11, 2022
Mark Rutte Agrees To Pay For His Own Train Ticket To Kyiv, ‘These Are Difficult Times For Ukraine And I’m Sure Zelenskyy Will Pay Me Back When He Can’ pic.twitter.com/rQFAT9m9rr— Le Chou News (@LeChouNews) July 11, 2022