Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times
Man Thrown Off German High-Speed Train To Make Room For Coal
Germany’s Deutsche Bahn sunk to new lows this week as a passenger was thrown from the train in order to make room for three bags of coal. The company has defended its actions despite universal criticism.
Under new directives issued by the government, the transport of coal must take precedence over fee-paying passengers, as Germany tries to stave off a looming energy crisis triggered by Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
But Joachim Fleisch, a 42-year-old resident of Bremen, did not realise quite how fervently DB would stick to that edict. That is until he was lifted from his seat and tossed like a bag of potatoes onto the platform of Cologne’s train station.
“One second I was reading my book, the next I was laying face down on the cement. It was outrageous,” Mr Fleisch told Le Chou. “I was willing to put up with the four hour delay and my connecting train being cancelled but this is too much.”
DB told Mr Fleisch that his seat was needed for an “extremely urgent” delivery of coal that was apparently needed in Bavaria that same day. It reportedly was ordered by the region’s president, Markus Söder, to heat his sauna.
Le Chou contacted DB’s CEO for comment, receiving a terse reply that said “we regret nothing and if you don’t like it, then take the plane.”
Von Der Leyen Tells Europeans To Work At Night When Power Is Cheaper
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen has urged people to work at night in order to save money on their energy bills, as power is cheaper outside of peak hours.
“We live in a modern society that should not be constrained by archaic notions like day and night,” von der Leyen said in a televised speech. “If people want to work when it’s dark and cheaper, they should be encouraged to do so.”
Brussels officials privately said that they “couldn’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner” and dismissed the suggestion that if everyone starts working at night then power prices will increase anyway. "We won't beat Putin with that attitude."
The Commission president also said that people should shower and bathe less to conserve water. “Why do we even need to wash? So many people had Covid so their sense of smell must be diminished. This is EU policymaking at its finest.”
Russia Accuses Germany Of War Games As Drought Reveals WW2 Wrecks
Russia has accused Germany of organising war games and “provocative rearmament” after several WW2-era shipwrecks were revealed by low river levels.
Thanks to the worst drought in centuries, several notable artefacts have emerged in drying river beds, including Roman ruins, dead bodies and a boulder shaped like Jean-Claude Juncker. Now the wrecks of sunken warships have begun to appear. This has not gone down well in Moscow.
“We must protest in the strongest possible terms against this provocative rearmament by Germany. Berlin must cease its military manoeuvres immediately and keep its nose out of our special military operation,” Putin-minion Sergey Lavrov said in a statement.
Despite the ships having nothing to do with the current German government, the Kremlin says that the wrecks are “clear proof that Nazism is alive and well” in the Bundesrepublik.
President Vladimir Putin was spotted with tears in his eyes as the shattered remains of the warships reminded him of the hundreds of vehicles that Ukraine has blown up in recent months: “Many of those tanks were my friends.”
