Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
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NASA Moon Mission Interrupted By EU Official On Launchpad
Humanity’s long-awaited return to the Moon was delayed earlier this week when a crucial NASA test launch was interrupted by space-mad EU Commissioner Thierry Breton.
With just a few minutes to go until the scheduled launch of the Artemis mission, complete with oddly-familiar test dummies in the cockpit, the countdown was terminated by NASA scientists.
What at first seemed like a technical failure was eventually revealed to be the fault of France’s EU Commissioner, Thierry Breton, who had snuck onto the Cape Canaveral base after cutting a hole through the perimeter fence.
Breton, decked out in a full ESA space suit, was quickly intercepted by security guards before he could reach the rocket.
“I was just trying to claim Europe’s rightful place in the space race,” Macron’s man in Brussels told reporters as he was bundled into a police van. “This is one small step for me, one giant leap for the EU!”
Hungary’s New Nuclear Plant Is Just Lukashenko On An Exercise Bike
Hungary’s new Russian-built nuclear power plant is actually just Belarussian dictator Alexander Lukashenko on an exercise bike, hooked up to a battery, Le Chou can exclusively reveal.
Viktor Orban’s government is pressing ahead with plans to allow Russia to construct new nuclear reactors at its Paks power plant, despite the Kremlin’s ongoing invasion of Ukraine and the EU’s admittedly leaky sanctions regime.
But according to top secret plans that Le Chou found on the bus this week, Russia’s designs for the power plant are not as cutting edge as many experts initially believed.
Engineers intend to install an exercise bike in the field next to Paks and connect it to a couple of car batteries. Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko will then work six hour shifts on the bike to recharge the batteries.
Russia is touting the project as the greenest nuclear plant ever built and “great value for Orban’s cash”. However, Budapest has now lodged a complaint with the International Atomic Energy Agency.
“Typical Europeans. They complain when I don’t punish Lukashenko for his idiocy, then they complain when I do. Cut off the power? I’m a monster. Offer free renewable energy? I’m a bad guy. I can’t win!” Vladimir Putin reportedly told his advisors.
UK Will Burn Wind Turbines For Warmth This Winter
Boris Johnson’s heir apparent as UK prime minister, Liz Truss, continued her war against “the woke green agenda” this week, pledging to tear down “tyrannical wind turbines” and burn the blades for warmth.
Truss is now a racing certainty to be appointed prime minister by the ruling Conservative party and has built her support base on attacking renewable energy and climate action.
In recent weeks she has raged against solar power panels – going as far as to order the police to plant a gun on one innocent array – and has now promised to tear down wind turbines.
“Wind turbines take up space, block the views of the countryside and I don’t actually understand how they work,” Truss explained. “My first act as PM will be to tear them down and set them alight, keeping hardworking Brits warm this winter.”
Johnson, meanwhile, was yet again in Ukraine, where he brokered a deal with Ukraine to rebuild the country’s outdated and useless public transport network. Ukrainian engineers are due to arrive in the UK in the first weeks of September.