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Homeless Boris Johnson Moves In With Zelenskyy
Former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has moved in with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, insisting that it will “just be for a few weeks, maybe months, until I get back on my feet.”
Following his toppling as prime minister, Johnson – unemployed and homeless – turned up unannounced earlier this week at Zelenskyy’s official Kyiv residence with his entire life belongings in suitcases.
The now former PM reportedly bumbled his way into the palace when Zelenskyy opened the door, thanking him for his “kind offer” of a place to stay while he plots his way back to 10 Downing Street.
Zelenskyy told his staff that he had never made such an offer but agreed to let Johnson stay for a couple of days “as a thank you for the weapons and stuff I guess.”
Ukraine’s president is already regretting that act of kindness, as Johnson reportedly refuses to put a coaster under his pints of beer, leaves his dirty laundry in piles everywhere and has charged $500 of dirty movies to the president’s office.
“I need to get him out. Seriously, the war is a walk in a park compared to sharing a house with this guy,” Zelenskyy said. “The daily phone calls were already too much, now this? I'm in hell.”
Scholars Check Ancient Caves For Macron Clues
Scholars have descended into the deepest parts of France’s Lascaux caves, in a bid to decipher the latest foreign policy musings of President Emmanuel Macron. Archaeologists are hopeful that ancient cave paintings may shed some light on the matter.
Macron provoked yet another round of bickering between policy experts this week as a mixture of vague language and mistranslations created a fog of confusion around the president’s latest proclamations on the Ukraine war.
One think tank expert was reportedly hospitalised and put into a medically induced coma after exerting himself too much explaining why Macron had actually said nothing new about Russia’s invasion. Doctors say the outlook is not good.
Quickly running out of options and fearing for their health, Macron scholars have travelled underground in an ancient cave network containing palaeolithic paintings, hoping to find some clues as to what the president actually means this time.
“We really think we may be onto something here. The cave contains paintings from 15,000 years ago but still has much to teach us about the human condition,” said the team’s lead archaeologist.
Rival Macronistas have embarked on their own translation quests after a schism in the camp turned ugly.
One team has turned to the heavens and activated a giant telescope to try and find answers in deepest space, while another claims to have discovered a fish in a Pacific Ocean trench that is capable of interpreting Macron’s meaning.
Larry The Cat Considers Retirement As New UK PM Arrives
Downing Street’s Larry the Cat is reportedly considering early retirement from his role as chief mouser to the UK government. Sources cite the low quality of prime ministers and lack of motivation as factors in the famous moggy’s decision.
“Great. Yet another lunatic moving into my patch,” Larry told a neighbourhood crow earlier this week when Liz ‘it’s a disgrace’ Truss arrived at 10 Downing Street to take over from Boris Johnson.
Larry has reportedly been considering calling time on his public service career for some time, ever since people started calling him “Boris Johnson’s cat”. Larry is actually seconded to the Downing Street office, not the prime minister.
Even though the undoubted financial spoils of the private sector are a tempting prospect, the right-honourable kitty may yet decide to extend his mandate: “I’m sure they’ll change PMs a few more times soon, maybe someone not totally mad will get the job at some point.”