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*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times
Italians Crash Royal Funeral
Italy’s far-right politicians were condemned for turning up uninvited to Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral earlier this week, prompting an inquest into how the wake-crashers were able to get past security.
Hundreds of foreign dignitaries showed up to the funeral of Britain’s longest serving monarch, among them was Italy’s former prime minister and real-life Egyptian mummy Silvio Berlusconi.
Berlusconi was not actually issued an invitation to the ceremony but told reporters that he could not possibly have missed the funeral of “ex-girlfriend Lizzy”. Buckingham Palace has strongly denied that claim.
“Lizzy was always so sweet, so caring. She left us so young as well,” the Forza Italia leader told reporters before he was ejected from Westminster Abbey by palace guards.
Fellow far-right leaders Giorgia Meloni and Matteo Salvini were also criticised for taking selfies with the departed monarch’s coffin, in blatant disregard of protocol and common human decency.
“Well that’s just an hors-d'œuvre of what their government promises to inflict on Italy,” one scathing political analyst quipped ahead of this weekend’s general election, where Italians are set to defy all logic once again and elect this shamble of degenerates to high office.
Putin’s Mobilisation Order Stokes Russian Creativity
Vladimir Putin’s mobilisation order triggered a bout of creativity among military-age men this week, as previously loyal Russians desperately sought a way out of forced conscription into the army.
Putin’s “partial mobilisation” edict, aimed at bolstering troops for his ‘special military operation’ in Ukraine went down like a lead balloon this week, as everyday Russians suddenly realised that they would be directly affected by their president’s mad whims.
After plane tickets out of Russia quickly sold out and the Kremlin banned military-age men from fleeing, desperate ‘Z’-supporters took a leaf out of Mrs Doubtfire’s playbook and pretended to be women while queuing at Moscow airport.
Entrepreneurial Russians with access to private planes started offering flights to Alaska and even former-PM Dmitry Medvedev was spotted in disguise at the Finnish border, trying to cross into the EU.
Putin’s conscription order did not just apply to the living either, as deceased Russians were urged by the president to resurrect and defend the motherland. A spokesman for the dead said that the group had politely declined the offer.
Serbia’s President Fails NBA Trial In New York
Serbian President Aleksandar Vučić visited New York City this week, where his dreams of playing basketball in the NBA were shattered into a million pieces.
9-metre-tall Vučić has long dreamed of leaving behind the toxic world of Balkan politics—which he helped establish—for a career in the glitzy world of US basketball.
But on a Manhattan court earlier this week, in between sessions of the United Nations, Vučić was told by local players that he “really doesn’t have what it takes” and that “just because you’re freakishly tall doesn’t mean you can ball.”
Devastated by this turn of events, Serbia’s head of state walked forlornly through the streets of New York City—bumping into a dead-ringer for hit TV show Succession’s Kendall Roy—before making it back to UN headquarters on the banks of the Hudson.
Inside, Vučić got back to his day job: comparing Ukraine’s plight at the hands of Russia’s illegal invasion to Kosovo, asking Pedro Sanchez why he hasn’t called and getting tips on how to persecute minorities more effectively from Iran’s leader.
In a bid to cheer up Serbia’s toppled-skyscraper of a president, Le Chou ran a poll asking whether readers would trust him or Charles Michel to sink a three-pointer. Unfortunately for Vučić, you all chose Michel.
