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EU Threatens To Overturn Pineapple Pizza Ban
European Union leaders have warned Italy that if a new far-right government takes power and disrupts Brussels policymaking, an existing ban on the sale of pineapple pizza will be immediately overturned.
In a move that political analysts have called “unprecedented”, EU Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen said that she was willing to “press the nuclear button” and overturn a moratorium on the controversial sweet n’ savoury baked dough delicacy.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures. This is fair warning for the far-right,” von der Leyen insisted, adding that she would also consider rewriting EU rules so that ‘spaghetti al ragù’ must legally be called ‘spaghetti bolognese'.
EU sources also reveal that new plans are being crafted that would make carbonara with cream the standard recipe and that subsidies for cappuccino after 11am will be put in place, if Giorgia Meloni’s incoming government is disruptive.
The International Criminal Court in The Hague “took note” of the Commission’s announcement and issued a statement reminding Brussels of its obligations under the Geneva Convention.
Human rights groups have already warned the EU that its proposed measures would lead to "countless civilian casualties.
Asteroid Considers Retaliation After Unprovoked NASA Attack
A 170-metre-wide asteroid that was previously dismissed as “no threat to Planet Earth” is reconsidering that policy after US space agency NASA crashed a satellite into it, in what the giant cosmic rock called an “unnecessary and unprovoked attack”.
Asteroid Dimorphos, which is about the size of a football stadium, was the target of NASA’s DART mission this week, a fact-finding initiative aimed at exploring whether a planet-threatening asteroid could be nudged off course by human technology.
NASA engineers hailed DART as a success but may have failed to consider the true impact on the asteroid itself, which in an exclusive interview with Le Chou said that “it was a real ordeal and really hurt my feelings.”
Dimorphos also pointed out that its orbit brings it nowhere near Earth and that “maybe NASA should be focusing on the real problems in the Solar System, not law-abiding planetary objects like myself. Maybe I’ll give them something to worry about…”
Russian President Vladimir Putin wasted no time in exploiting the situation, awarding the asteroid the Medal of Friendship and granting Dimorphos citizenship. “NATO pysop operation NASA showed its true colours with this heinous attack,” Putin claimed.
However, Dimorphos was perhaps not expecting what happened next, as conscription officers arrived to escort the asteroid to the Ukrainian front as part of Putin’s mobilisation of Russian nationals.
Tory Economy Madness Is Actually Anti-EU Strategy
British Prime Minister Liz Truss revealed earlier this week that her new government’s seemingly mad economic policies are actually carefully designed to prevent the UK from ever meeting the criteria to join the Eurozone.
The Conservative government’s new “growth” strategy has provoked disbelief, anger, sadness and ridicule in equal proportions since it debuted, as even the most optimistic economist struggled to find any positives in the mini-budget plan.
Even the International Monetary Fund – which has ludicrously been branded ‘leftwing’ by Tory hardliners – stepped in to advise Liz Truss that many of the strategy’s tax measures are poorly designed and will be self-defeating.
After King Charles III said he didn’t want his face to be on a currency that is worth “f**k all” and pundits only half-joked that the UK is now an emerging economy, Truss was forced to show her hand and explain the logic behind her government’s batshit crazy policies.
“Labour and the rejoiner elite want to take this country back into the EU and force us to sign up to the eurozone. By trashing the pound, this government has respected voter wishers and ensured that we do not meet the criteria to adopt the euro,” Truss revealed.
Indeed, monetary experts say that the UK probably would not meet the Maastricht Criteria under current conditions. Truss added that “when you think about it, this is all the fault of Keir Starmer and the remain-voting metropolitan elite, not mine.”
Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng, meanwhile, was last spotted in the City of London’s financial district pleading with stockbrokers not to short the pound anymore, in what Westminster insiders called a “winning hearts and minds mission”.