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Crimea Bridge ‘Fell Out Of A Window’, Says Kremlin
A Russian-built bridge linking illegally-annexed Crimea with Russia proper was sabotaged earlier this week. Moscow immediately insisted that the Kerch Strait bridge had simply fallen out of a window.
Vladimir Putin’s ego was pummelled by a well-organised bombing of the illegal Crimea bridge, which knocked out one of the roadways and severely damaged the train tracks that link the two sides of the strait.
Instead of acknowledging the professionalism of the operation, Russia’s president insisted that the bridge had merely “fallen out of window”, as is customary these days for Kremlin officials that do not do their job properly.
After some hasty repairs using exploded tank parts and dishwashers, Putin then forced Belarusian minion Aleksandar Lukashenko to test out the strength of the bodged-together roadway.
The bridge incident also had a tragic side to it: one twitter expert is currently recovering in hospital after breaking every bone in his body after pivoting too quickly from gas market predictions to bridge explosion analysis.
“It’s touch and go whether they will ever be able to superforecast or hyperthink ever again,” said the attending doctor.
Bolivia Accidentally Granted EU Candidacy Instead Of Bosnia
South American country Bolivia was accidentally granted EU candidacy status instead of Bosnia-Herzegovina on Wednesday, after an official website’s drop-down menu confused top diplomat Josep Borrell.
Bolivia has now been issued with a number of criteria it must meet before it can join the EU, despite never applying for membership and being more than 10,000 kilometres from Brussels.
“These damn computers are always causing problems,” Josep Borrell told reporters. “This is just like when we accidentally sanctioned Belgium instead of Belarus. We should go back to using telegrams and pen and paper.”
Western Balkan analysts were quick to snark that Bolivia is probably more likely to join the EU than Bosnia anyway, which would have struggled to meet the Union’s criteria anytime soon.
European Council boss Charles Michel was perhaps the most disappointed by the screw-up, having trained for months to complete Mostar’s iconic bridge dive as a way to commemorate the granting of candidacy.
German Trains Sabotaged, Fax Machines Knocked Out
Germany’s train network was brought to a grinding halt this week, as saboteurs took down Deutsche Bahn’s fax machine systems and cut power to ticket machines that don’t work anyway.
Unknown bandits cut telecommunication cables in Northern Germany, knocking out Germany’s train networks and frying onboard fax machines, which are essential for Deutsche Bahn’s operations.
“We use the fax machines to contact junctions so that we end up on the right tracks,” a DB spokesperson explained, refuting suggestions that this would not have happened if the train firm had digitalised its network.
DB revealed that “thankfully” essential floppy disks and audio cassettes were not affected by the sabotage and that a “bare minimum service” could continue in the meantime.
Long-suffering passengers were quick to quip that they thought they were already having to endure a “bare minimum service”.
