Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times
‘Stay Indoors,’ French Citizens Told As Toxic Stink Wafts Across Channel
Inhabitants in Northern France were warned by the government to stay indoors earlier this week after a toxic burning smell of despair drifted across the Channel from the United Kingdom.
“We are advising people not to go outside unless absolutely necessary,” a government spokesperson said on Wednesday. “The smell is horrendous and possibly deadly, at least to careers.”
Public health experts were initially unsure of where the acrid fug had come from but were willing to speculate that the origin was the City of London, particularly Westminster.
Suspicions were later confirmed when UK Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned from her job, making her the shortest serving head of government in history. The French government issued a ‘red warning’ for air quality when news of her resignation dropped.
It is not the first time that an awful stench has made its way across from the British archipelago. Regular wafts of mediocrity and hopelessness have been recorded by monitoring stations in Normandy since the Brexit vote in 2016.
Luxembourg So Expensive Even PM Needs Second Job
Luxembourg’s reputation as one of the most expensive countries was confirmed this week when it was revealed that Prime Minister Xavier Bettel is having to hold down a second job just to make ends meet.
Bettel was seen manning a grocery stall on Tuesday, selling fresh fruit and vegetables to locals. His office later confirmed that the PM works a couple of shifts in the stall in between government sessions.
“It’s no secret that the cost of living crisis is affecting everyone in Europe, even elected officials,” Bettel’s spokesperson told Le Chou. “You should check out the two for one deal on apples before stocks finish.”
Luxembourg is notorious for being difficult to afford. Along with working his second job, Bettel also reportedly does his shopping across the border in Germany and is considering relocating his official residence to France to cut down on rent fees.
Orban Sabotages Hungarian Tanks In Latest Peacemongering Bid
Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban was caught sabotaging tanks at a military base near Budapest on Monday, reportedly so he would have an excuse not to send them to Ukraine.
Orban has tried every trick in the book to avoid contributing to Europe’s anti-Putin war efforts since Ukraine was first invaded and has now dropped the bar even lower, sabotaging his own military’s equipment to stop it being shipped to the conflict zone.
The PM was seen by investigative journalists shoving potatoes up the exhaust pipes of tanks, slashing the tyres of troop transports and throwing bullets in a local lake.
“This is yet more lies and fabrications by the mainstream media. Mr Orban would ever do this and he also has an alibi: he was in Brussels lobbying against sanctions on Russia,” a spokesperson insisted.
Orban took part in a number of meetings at the beginning of the week, including a European Council summit prep video conference, where the prime minister was seen standing during the call.
“The sheer weight of undermining your neighbours and indirectly supporting the Kremlin is a real strain on the lower back,” a medical expert explained.