Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical twist. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times
Suez Ship Scares Putin Into Honouring Grain Deal
Russian despot Vladimir Putin reinstated the Ukrainian grain deal after the United Nations chartered Evergreen’s Suez-blocking boat to lurk menacingly in St Petersburg’s harbour, Le Chou can exclusively reveal.
The Kremlin had indicated earlier in the week that the international agreement was dead in the water after baselessly suggesting that the Ukrainian military had used the grain corridor to attack Russian targets.
Putin also insisted that he could take no chances by allowing grains to leave Ukraine, citing his previously unreported gluten intolerance.
Russia’s president quickly walked back his decision though after the United Nations chartered container shipping firm Evergreen’s infamous Suez-blocking boat and instructed its captain to moor up in St Petersburg’s harbour.
“It just hovered there. No communication or anything. Its captain just stood on the prow smoking cigarettes. We couldn’t take the sense of dread, so we caved into the UN’s demands,” said a Kremlin insider who was privy to Putin’s reaction to the big ship.
The menace boat withdrew from Russian waters shortly after the u-turn was made and its current whereabouts are unknown. “It’s the hero we deserve but not the one we need right now,” one shipping expert told Le Chou.
Mink Party Concedes Defeat In Denmark Vote
Danes narrowly avoided a messy transition of power earlier this week when the leading candidate of the Mink Party, a mink, magnanimously conceded defeat shortly after ballots were tallied.
What previously was billed as a poll purely on the mink-killing tendencies of Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen evolved into something slightly more complex. That ultimately extinguished any hopes the Mink Party had of entering government.
“We’re proud of what we achieved with this campaign. This movement is not going anywhere and you’ll hear from us very soon about our next steps,” the party’s leading candidate squeaked at a post-election press conference.
Political analysts were quick to note that the mink was quicker to admit defeat than Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, who was reportedly shot with a horse tranquiliser so that his team could start handing over power after his election defeat.
Party sources indicate that the movement’s leadership are considering rebranding as Republique En Mink or even joining forces with Pigs Unite, an anti-bacon faction that might bring more inner-city votes to the cause.
Elon Musk Reveals More Twitter Perks, Punishments
Twitter’s new CEO, Elon Musk, revealed this week that verified users will have to pay to hold on to their blue badge and that those who refuse will be put to work underground, digging tunnels for another one of his companies.
Musk triggered righteous indignation from the ‘Twitterati’ when it was reported that verification will come with an $8 a month fee. Further controversy was stoked when the world’s richest man revealed the alternative option.
“Don’t want to pay? That’s fine. Good luck working underground for The Boring Company,” Musk tweeted, referring to his tunnel-digging firm. Verified users that refuse the $8 fee will have to work 8 hour shifts instead, a company filing confirms
Le Chou broke the news last week that Tesla owners will be granted an edit button, unlimited character limit and the chance to re-platform a blocked lunatic of their choice. Kanye West will reportedly be the first to benefit from this new fast-track scheme.
West, who also goes by ‘Ye’, has now reissued his critically-acclaimed hit album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and dedicated it to Twitter.