Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter or Mastodon and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times
Lord Voldemort’s Granddaughter Joins European Parliament
The European Parliament welcomed its newest member this week, as the granddaughter of one of the darkest wizards ever to live joined the ranks of lawmakers in Brussels.
After last month’s Italian elections, the mummified body of Silvio Berlusconi has now reentered national politics, vacating his never-used seat in the Parliament.
That meant that the next name on the list, Alessandra Voldemort, was eligible to don the mantle of MEP. Voldemort, the granddaughter of the infamous dark lord, is expected to take up her seat within the next few days.
“This could actually be an improvement on Berlusconi,” said one Parliament source, while another said that the snake-faced Voldemort heir is “at least, easier to look at” than the leathery visage of Italy’s former prime minister.
Lady Voldemort will take up a place in the Parliament with a number of other politicians with villainous relatives and names, including a second-cousin of the Dark Lord Sauron, Professor Moriarty’s favourite nephew and wealthy industrialist C. Montgomery Burns.
She has already indicated which policies she will focus on during her mandate. They include a long-stalled muggle registration act, a directive on dark arts education and a new regulation designed to boost the uptake of cryptocurrencies.
Germans Outraged At Twitter’s Fax Snub
German twitter users were left outraged earlier this week when Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced that the social media site would no longer be compatible with fax machines, as part of sweeping changes to the app.
“We’re severing all ties with obsolete add-ons like fax machines, pagers and advertising revenue,” Musk tweeted on Monday, plunging German twitter into confusion, chaos and sheer unbridled anger.
“This is outrageous. Printing out my favourite tweets and faxing them to colleagues and my closest circle of friends is one of the best parts of the twitter user experience,” said one teutonic tweeter.
“What’s the point of this site if I can’t fax my replies to another user just to make sure they’ve read it?” said another. German Chancellor Olaf Scholz is considering a full-blown inquiry into the firm’s practices. “This can’t be GDPR-compliant,” said one source.
Meanwhile, Musk’s plan to charge $8 per month for twitter verification sparked unrest on the site, particularly among the already blue-badged. European Commission officials, however, wasted no time in adapting to the new reality, Le Chou can exclusively reveal.
President von der Leyen has reportedly spent a large chunk of Hungary’s withheld EU cash on 24 months of verification for her and her team, citing security concerns and “priceless banter” on a requisition form.
Viktor Orban’s government has been approached for comment.
Grieving Widow Of Twitter Expert Issues Stark Warning To Other Pundits
Pivoting too quickly from the Brazilian presidential election results to Germany-China relations put one relentless twitter expert into an early grave. His widow has now told all in an exclusive interview with Le Chou.
“I still remember hearing the snap of his neck. I was downstairs and he was on the sofa as usual, drafting tweets on his iPad. This one was about how Lula would disrupt the Beijing-Berlin axis. It was the last thing he ever did,” sobs the still grieving widow.
Ms. X—her real name protected for confidentiality reasons—insists that she had warned her husband on multiple occasions to give the twitter punditry a rest, especially between global events. “Sometimes, his takes were too hot to touch.”
There were warning signs too, she adds. “Last month, during the Italian elections, he said he was suffering from severe neck pain. I warned him that maybe the world didn’t need to read his analysis of Meloni’s victory and its impact on gas markets, but he tweeted it anyway.”
Elon Musk, twitter’s new CEO, has now been urged by a pressure group founded by the spouses and loved ones of deceased pundits to implement new checks and balances to prevent another tragic incident.
“All we are asking is some sort of cool-off warning or downtime button, to protect those who really need it most,” said the group’s spokesperson. Musk has dismissed the idea, insisting that “if anything we need more hot takes, more hilarious deaths.”
