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EU Gas Price Cap’s Weird Conditions REVEALED
The European Commission finally unveiled its plan for a cap on gas prices this week but unexpectedly paired it with some outrageously specific activation criteria.
Heavily anticipated and long-delayed, the price cap plan was guaranteed to be controversial right from the moment it was even suggested. In a bid to please both the advocates and critics of the plan, the Commission has imposed remarkably pernickety criteria.
“We are ready to deploy this price cap, so long as it is on the fourth Sunday of the month, Jupiter is ascending and it is a full moon,” Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen told reporters.
According to a detailed breakdown, officials will also only be able to activate the cap if a black crow is seen flying eastwards with a snake in its talons by an 8-year-old child born during a thunderstorm.
In an appendix to the document, it is also explained that the cap can also only be deployed if the UK keeps the same prime minister for more than six months and Charles Michel goes more than one week without doing something dumb.
“I am sorry if you think that we are ‘just being difficult and weird’,” von der Leyen said when asked about the price cap strings, insisting that “this is us being thorough and making sure we try and please everybody. Your negative attitude is not helping Ukraine.”
Mark Rutte Says Europe Can No Longer Afford Both Slovenia AND Slovakia
Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte has said that the delicate economic situation means that Europe can no longer afford to keep both Slovenia and Slovakia, in what is the latest example of his notorious cheapness.
“Times are tough, ok? We have to tighten our belts, make sacrifices and cut down on luxuries. Keeping both Slovenia and Slovakia just doesn’t make sense right now,” Rutte told reporters earlier this week.
Slovenia and Slovakia are often mistaken for each other by the geographically-challenged and even Slovenia’s former prime minister, Janez Janša, used to forget which country’s government he was in charge of.
Rutte’s statement triggered predictable outrage in both nations; however, Hungarian leader Viktor Orban — spotted earlier wearing a scarf with an irredentist ‘Big Hungary’ design — was quick to sniff an opportunity.
“I’m happy to take Slovakia, if it’ll keep Rutte happy. Just make sure the Russian oil and gas keeps flowing. Oh, I want my EU money too,” Orban said, in what his chief of staff called “an offer they can’t refuse”.
Joe Biden Pardons Wrong Turkey For Thanksgiving
United States President Joe Biden complicated an already messy geopolitical situation by accidentally pardoning the country of Turkey instead of a big feathery bird, as part of a bizarre American ritual.
Biden was supposed to pardon ‘Chip’ the turkey ahead of the Thanksgiving holidays but the gaffe-prone commander-in-chief instead accidentally granted a reprieve to Turkey, specifically its head of state Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
Erdogan was reportedly initially furious after a concerted effort to get allies to use the ‘Türkiye’ spelling to avoid such incidents. But the president then saw the merit of getting total amnesty from the leader of the free world.
“This screw-up really pissed me off at first but maybe it’s a good thing. If we can get some F-16s and a couple of Greek islands out of it…” Erdogan told aides.
Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis was left angered by 'Turkeygate' after hearing the details of events via a listening device he planted on Biden’s vice-president, Kamala Harris.