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Hungary’s 11 EU ‘Megamilestones’ REVEALED
The European Commission announced this week that it would withhold billions in EU cash from Hungary until Viktor Orban’s government meets 11 ‘megamilestones’. Le Chou can exclusively reveal the details of those benchmarks.
After months of speculation, Ursula von der Leyen finally pulled the trigger this week and announced that Brussels will hold onto nearly €8bn in funding until Hungary makes certain reforms. Here are the details about those milestones.
- Orban will be required to walk down the main avenue in Brussels wearing an ‘I love immigration’ placard – just like in Die Hard 3 – to demonstrate his adherence to EU solidarity norms.
- Orban will have to agree to twice monthly lunches with Council president Charles Michel. Michel’s team insists that each lunch must include two courses and at least one round of drinks to qualify.
- Hungary must stop pretending that it is a Turkic country, as it is too confusing for political pundits to grasp.
- Orban, a keen football fan, must stop insisting that the Hungarian national team pick him for every match. The EU’s competition department has insisted that it is against the rules.
- Orban spokesman Zoltan Kovacs must cease recording his insufferable podcast, ‘The Truth About Hungary’, immediately. For obvious reasons.
- Orban must do von der Leyen’s laundry for a month.
- €10,000 will be deducted every time an official brings up ‘Greater Hungary’ or says the Trianon treaty was unfair.
- Orban has to come speak at the European Parliament every month for an entire year.
- Orban must stop taking his weekly crude oil baths.
- Hungary must admit that its prized goulash is actually Austrian.
- Orban must stop cosplaying as Tony Soprano at European Council summits.
French Baguettes Added To UNESCO List, All Other Baguettes Added To War Crimes List
Crunchy and chewy in equal measure, the humble French baguette has been recognised by the UN’s cultural heritage department for its inimitable qualities. Meanwhile, the International Criminal Court has added non-French baguettes to a culinary war crimes list.
French President Emmanuel Macron wasted no time in lauding the achievements of the baguette, praising its savoir-faire and hard to replicate crunch and chew, in a two-hour-long speech at the start of his Washington visit.
However, Macron’s jovial tone took a decisively dark turn.
“It is only right for the French baguette to receive this recognition. In the same way that it is only right that toxic imposters are punished and kept at arm’s length from society,” the president stated.
Along with UNESCO status, the ICC in The Hague has taken the unprecedented decision to add ‘non-French baguettes’ to a list of war crimes, punishable by a lifetime prison sentence in the most egregious cases.
In an early judgement, ICC prosecutors fast-tracked the case of a Belgian supermarket baguette that the traumatised plaintiff described as “already stale when it came out of the oven and paler than fresh snowfall.”
The offending bread is now awaiting sentencing and sharing a jail cell with Bosnian-Serb war criminal Ratko Mladić.
Germany Decides To Boycott Qatar World Cup
The German national football team has belatedly decided to boycott the Qatar World Cup after playing three matches in the tournament. Football chiefs have cited human rights concerns as reason for the squad’s early exit.
In the 89th minute of Germany’s match against Costa Rica, the team’s communications department issued a press release announcing Die Mannschaft’s withdrawal from football’s grandest stage.
“Germany has long had concerns about the human rights situation in Qatar and after doing our own in-depth research on the ground, we have drawn sufficient conclusions to make this announcement,” the statement read.
Pressed by Le Chou as to whether the real reason was because Germany needed to score five goals in two minutes in order to avoid being knocked out at the group stages for the second tournament in a row, a spokesperson said “screw you”.
In what the German government is calling a “totally unrelated turn of events”, Chancellor Olaf Scholz told NATO high command that Spain, Japan and Costa Rica should be investigated to see if they are security threats.
Germany now joins Italy in boycotting the tournament, while France and England insist that they need to conduct more research in situ before coming to the same conclusion.