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Europe’s Top Investigator Arrives At EU Parliament
Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Paris police department has arrived in Strasbourg to begin an in-depth probe into alleged corruption at the heart of European democracy. The mega-sleuth spoke to Le Chou in an exclusive interview.
After the news broke that police are now looking into the dealings of MEPs and alleged bribery charges, the EU immediately requested that France send its top man in to run the investigation.
With decades of experience in the field, Clouseau is the cream of the cream and hopes to crack the case before Christmas. “To me, it already sounds like a case of simple misunderstanding,” the inspector revealed.
“I find it very hard to believe that anybody who works for the European Parliament would be involved with anything so grubby or underhanded,” Clouseau added before slipping on a patch of ice.
The inspector was reportedly not the first choice for the job. A monsieur H. Poirot of Spa, Belgium, was top of the list but is overseas on another case, while a Mr S. Holmes of London was ruled out because of Brexit.
European Parliament insiders have suggested that Clouseau was given the inquest because he will do whatever his Parisian superiors say and is actually too incompetent to find the actual criminals.
That is a charge that Clouseau himself was keen to dismiss, telling Le Chou that he will be totally impartial during the course of his inquiries. The interview was unfortunately cut short when the inspector was attacked by a man dressed all in black, performing some sort of karate.
German Police Ask Witnesses To Identify Imperial Coup Mastermind
Germany reportedly came within a whisker of reverting back to an imperial Reich earlier this week, before police officials thwarted an attempted coup led by the bumbling Prince Heinrich XIII. Investigators are still looking for the putsch’s true masterminds.
According to investigators, a network of anti-government, pro-empire, far-right nutjobs had secretly been planning to overthrow authorities in Berlin and had even amassed weapons to try and pull it off.
Police officers managed to apprehend most of the perpetrators, as they were too weighed down by cannonballs and heavy spiked helmets to make a quick getaway.
They were also able to take into custody the pretender-to-the-nonexistent-throne, Prince Heinrich XIII. The tweed-wearing obscure minor royal, who officials have said “looks like a dodgy antiques dealer, is likely to be just the powerless figurehead of the movement.
During one raid near the German capital, police were able to get close to who they believe to be the true mastermind of the planned coup. However, the mysterious individual boarded a zeppelin and made a slow but gradual escape before an arrest could be made.
The government is now seeking information on anyone seen sporting a thick waxed moustache or wielding long ceremonial swords.
Orban Says Greater Hungary Should Be In Schengen
Croatia decided this week to grant the Schengen countries membership of its beautiful coastline. Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban, however, tried to jam his ‘Big Hungary’ project into the talks.
Newest EU member Croatia will complete its decade-long integration course on 1 January by adopting the euro and merging its idyllic coastline with the Schengen zone.
Discussions ran hot on Thursday as Austria vetoed Romania and Bulgaria’s membership requests. However, Viktor Orban offered the former a glimmer of hope by insisting that Greater Hungary should be allowed to join.
“Let’s allow all Hungarians to be a part of this project,” Orban told ministers, referring to Hungary’s (very) former territories in what is now most definitely bits of Croatia and Romania.
Bulgaria immediately lodged a formal request to join Big Hungary but the scheme came to nothing as Austria insisted that only Croatia should be allowed to join.
In other Adriatic news, Croatia was voted the most heroic and likeable country, after its footballers beat Brazil and — more importantly — made Neymar Jnr break down in tears on the pitch.