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Brussels Needs Supervillains To Beat US Fusion Energy Push
The European Union has announced a recruitment drive for mad scientists in a bid to turbocharge the development of fusion power. ‘Villains4EU’ aims to compete with US efforts to provide free, clean power for everybody.
Following a US announcement of a fusion breakthrough, the EU has wasted no time in reacting with a controversial plan to recruit nefarious scientists. The first interviews have already been held and a decision on hires is due soon.
“Fusion can solve all of our problems, but here in Europe we often lose sight of the greater good or fail to do what needs to be done,” said climate chief Frans Timmermans. “That’s why we’re turning to these special consultants.”
The list of potential hires is still under wraps but Le Chou understands that EU officials have already tapped Dexter of Dexter’s Lab fame, Despicable Me’s Gru and Back to the Future’s Doc Brown.
Other names in the mix include Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. A special Commission department tasked with recruiting henchmen will start work in the new year.
Police Set Cunning Trap To Capture Corrupt MEPs
Investigators have set a crafty trap to catch out any MEPs engaging in corrupt activities by hanging a ‘Free Bribes’ sign on a room in the European Parliament and filling it with police officers.
After the Belgian authorities made several arrests as part of an ongoing inquest into corruption at the highest level of European lawmaking, officers have continued to delve into the murky world of influence peddling.
Greek MEP Eva Kaili, who was charged with dodgy dealings and is awaiting a hearing, reportedly confessed that she was up to no good last month during a plenary session. However, because nobody turned up, nobody heard her.
Ever the opportunist, Hungarian PM Viktor Orban has established a consultancy service that promises lawmakers insights into how to be corrupt and actually get away with it. A spokesperson says the fees for the course can be charged to expense accounts.
Ursula von der Leyen was unable to contain her amusement when journalists asked the Commission chief whether the ‘Qatargate’ revelations would prompt her services to cancel LNG contracts with the gas-producing Arab state.
Macron Smugness Levels At Record Levels
French President Emmanuel Macron’s gloating levels broke all official records this week following his country’s World Cup victory over Morocco, prompting health authorities to urge people to stay indoors until the cloud of smug clears.
Six EU leaders phoned in sick for work on Thursday following France’s semi final triumph in an attempt to skip this week’s European Council summit and avoid Macron’s smug demeanour.
But it was a futile mission, as the French president’s gloating grin was plastered across his various social media accounts, beamed live for one of Qatar’s soon-to-be disused football stadiums.
Health authorities advised Brussels residents to stay inside for the duration of the summit until the smug had dissipated. Officials say that if Argentina beat France in the final, the air should be safe to breathe again.
Macron is returning to Qatar for the final match of the tournament, not to watch the game but to offer his services as a player. Several French players fell ill with a virus after the Morocco win and Macron insists he is match-fit and ready to take on Lionel Messi.
A spokesperson for the team refused to confirm that the players were pretending to be ill so that they would not have to meet Macron in the changing room again.