Le Chou News: Germany's Rent-A-Tank

Le Chou News: Germany's Rent-A-Tank

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Scholz’s Rent-A-Tank Firm Lands Big Contract

German Chancellor Olaf Scholz agreed to rent Ukraine a company of Leopard tanks this week, but there are plenty of strings attached.

Berlin had drawn the ire of the international community for delaying a decision to send Leopard 2 battle tanks to Ukraine, as well as stalling re-export authorisations so other countries could help out the embattled nation.

Le Chou can now exclusively reveal that Olaf Scholz and Volodymyr Zelenskyy were locked in a dispute about whether the Ukrainian president needed to take out comprehensive third-party insurance for the tanks.

“Insurance gives you peace of mind and is highly recommended. Under the current plan, you’ll have to make sure you return the Leopards with full tanks of fuel as well,” Scholz reportedly said, indicating on a map where the nearest petrol station is located.

The chancellor then wasted more time asking Zelenskyy if he would like a free upgrade from the Leopard 2A3 to a 2A4. “There’s more space for luggage and ammunition,” Scholz explained, neglecting to include the added admin fee that is charged on top.

Eventually, the keys were handed over after Scholz made a thorough inspection of existing damage and scratches.

Familiar Ghost Returns To Haunt EU Commission HQ

EU officials caught a glimpse of paranormal activity this week, as Commission workers reportedly saw a floating apparition that resembled former president Jean-Claude Juncker.

“I chilled me to my very core,” one official said after spotting the phantom drifting between the canteen and cafeteria early Friday morning. “It looked exactly like Juncker. I know he’s not dead but I can’t think who else it could be.”

Another Commission staffer saw the spook in the Berlaymont HQ basement, moaning about stolen bottles of Beaujolais nouveau. There are persistent rumours that the former president kept a cache of wine in the bottom floor of the building.

Ursula von der Leyen was equally shocked by the reports and has now set up a GHOST taskforce to deal with the sighting. Officials wanted to name the panel SPECTRE but could not secure the rights from the estate of James Bond writer Ian Fleming.

“The president is rightfully concerned. We’re coming to the end of the election cycle and the ghost of J-CJ could pose a threat to her reelection chances. What if the spirit decides to run against her?” one aide told Le Chou anonymously.

Czech President Hopeful Takes Cute Puppy Hostage

Former Czech prime minister and presidential candidate Andrej Babiš resorted to extreme measures to get his campaign back on track this Thursday by taking a cute puppy hostage and demanding the public elect him head of state.

Babiš has gone full Donald Trump in the last couple of weeks after securing a spot in the Czech presidential election’s second round. Faced with defeat by retired NATO general Petr Pavel, the ousted prime minister has cranked up the rhetoric.

After suggesting that he would renege on Czechia’s common defence obligations under the military alliance, Babiš grabbed a passing puppy and said he would “throw it out the window” if voters do not back him in this weekend’s ballot.

“I’ll do it. Don’t test me,” Babiš told TV cameras after bunkering down in his office and refusing to come out until declared the winner. Czech police are now on the scene to make sure the pooch is safely returned to its owner.

UPDATE: Police units have now returned to their stations after the small pupper was able to escape Babiš’s clutches by biting him on the arm and knocking boxes of EU subsidy request forms into the path of the chasing candidate.

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