Le Chou News: 'Idiot-gate' EU Official In Hot Water

Le Chou News: 'Idiot-gate' EU Official In Hot Water

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‘Idiot-gate’ EU Commissioner In Hot Water

Hungary’s European Commissioner is in trouble after he was heard calling MEPs “idiots” during a plenary session this week. The Commission has made it clear that such insulting comments should be made either in private or at the pub.

Oliver Varhelyi, Viktor Orban’s man in Brussels, was caught on a hot mic in Strasbourg muttering “how many other idiots are still there?” in Hungarian. This has not gone down well with lawmakers.

MEPs have called for an investigation into Varhelyi’s support towards Serbian nationalist politicians and even for him to be sacked for his insulting outburst. The Commission has shot down those requests but the Hungarian official is not completely off the hook yet.

“Commissioner Varhelyi was wrong to call MEPs idiots, as this is against the code of conduct,” said a spokesperson. “According to the rules, insults must be made in private or at the pub. This is established practice with this Commission.”

Varhelyi has since issued a statement of regret to anyone he might have offended, saying that “you idiots can either accept my apology or not, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Scotland’s Sturgeon Quits Post In Order To Rule As ‘Queen In The North’

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon resigned her democratically-appointed role on Wednesday, in order to be acclaimed ‘Queen in the North’ by the country's land barons and feudal hierarchy.

British politics was cast into disarray by Sturgeon’s resignation as first minister and election analysts were shocked further still when the pro-independence leader took up residence in Edinburgh Castle.

“Scotland will bend the knee no longer to the uncaring miscreants in the south,” Sturgeon told a gathering of Scottish nobles and barons in the main feasting hall of the castle. “If you’ll have me, I’ll lead you.”

It is unclear whether the new Queen in the North will ride south to meet House Westminster on the field of battle or will seek to consolidate power at home first. Pro-resignation groups, meanwhile, called on Sturgeon to quit as first minister a second time.

Silvio Berlusconi Wins ‘Bunga Bunga’ Case On Technicality

Italy’s former prime minister and figlio di Putin Silvio Berlusconi won the latest in a long line of court cases levelled against him and his ‘Bunga Bunga’ party lifestyle this week. A judge acquitted him, citing an unusual legal tenet.

Hauled before a court to answer charges of bribing witnesses to lie about his notorious bacchanalias, Berlusconi was ultimately let off after a judge said that “living corpses cannot be prosecuted under Italian law”.

“According to medical professionals, the defendant is now more inanimate object than living being, so as such does not meet the requirements of the law,” a judge ruled after doctors listed the number of cosmetic surgeries Berlusconi has undergone.

Legal experts have noted that the decision is unusual but holds water. Prosecutors have appealed, citing the trial of a dead Pope in the first millennium but the judge insists that Berlusconi is more a living zombie than an actual cadaver.

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*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

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