Le Chou News: Putin Pins Ukraine Blame On Minion

Le Chou News: Putin Pins Ukraine Blame On Minion

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

Putin Pins Ukraine Invasion Blame On Lukashenko

Russian despot Vladimir Putin has shockingly laid the blame for his country’s invasion of Ukraine squarely on the very wide shoulders of Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko, insisting that he has just been a puppet these last 12 months.

“Lukashenko masterminded this whole ‘special military operation’. I think that is pretty obvious to everybody in Russia. If I had been in charge, it wouldn’t have gone this badly,” Putin said during his long-delayed address to the nation this week, just ahead of the one-year anniversary of the invasion.

“He’s a big guy and he threatened to beat me up. As you all know, I am a martial arts master but even I cannot fight off a bear like that. That’s why I went along with this, but no more,” Russia’s president insisted.

It is a marked turnaround of Kremlin strategy, which has so far treated Lukashenko as Putin’s minion, leading many in the West to consider the Belarusian president as nothing but a bumbling stooge and Wario-cosplayer.

Putin presented documents during his speech that show Lukashenko’s signature apparently on notes ordering Russia’s military to invade in February 2022. The authenticity of those documents — printed on napkins from Putin’s favourite restaurant — has not been verified.

Legal experts now wonder whether this is an attempt by the president to water down inevitable criminal charges against him, setting Lukashenko up — once again — as a disposable patsy.

‘White Lotus’ Season 3 Set For Belgian Coast

Season 3 of hit HBO black comedy-drama ‘The White Lotus’ will be set in the Belgian seaside resort of Ostend and feature EU chiefs Charles Michel and Ursula von der Leyen as a warring married couple that hate each other.

Details on the next instalment of the anthology series have finally broken, as the show’s creators were seen scouting locations along the Belgian riviera, from the shabby-chic hotels of Ostend to the mudflats of Knokke-Heist.

“Season 1 was set on Hawaii and season 2 showed Sicily in all its glory, so for the next chapter we wanted to give audiences something different,” said a source involved with filming the HBO flagship.

According to a casting call for season 3, showrunners are looking for a “seasoned actor that can do physical comedy and is willing to go bald for the shoot”, confirming rumours that former Belgian Prime Minister Charles Michel will feature.

The same source revealed that the Michel character will turn up at Ostend with his wife of five years, Ursula von der Leyen, amid an ongoing marital spat that may lead into the show’s now obligatory murder plot.

Boris Johnson Seeks NATO Job

Ex-UK Prime Minister and scarecrow-clown Boris Johnson has told close friends that he wants to be the next NATO secretary-general, even outlining what he would do if given the nod to lead the transatlantic military alliance.

Johnson is reportedly seeking the NATO job after realising that his plan to return in glorious triumph as British PM is not going to pay off anytime soon, instead now preferring to try and ruin his country’s standing in another international organisation.

“Boris wants the NATO gig and he wants it bad,” says a Johnson family-friend, suggesting that the former London mayor’s various speaking engagements and book deals are not enough to keep him afloat financially.

According to the same source, Johnson has big plans for the alliance and would aim to base NATO’s military power on “naval might and cannon”, in an effort to recreate “the British Empire’s dominion of the waves.”

His plans also include doubling the 2% defence spending target for alliance members and making it mandatory for armed forces to source their weapons and equipment from a pre-selected list of Tory party donors.

Johnson also wants to “take NATO global” and would extend membership offers to countries like Singapore, Rwanda and Uruguay. A source also reveals that the alliance’s Brussels headquarters would be relocated to central London.

Every military and political analyst contacted by Le Chou has, however, dismissed Johnson’s ambitions as “not grounded in reality”.

Extra! Extra!

*'Le Chou' is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

Copyright © 2024 The Brussels Times. All Rights Reserved.